


Big Bright Beautiful Star

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Jealousy, Kink Meme, Love Triangle, M/M, Moirallegiance, Non-Sgurb AU, Pegging, Pornography, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-17
Updated: 2012-02-08
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:25:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/279194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat accidental finds out how Tavros makes a living and survives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Karkat snuck into his own barrack like he was an invader. The place was deserted; everyone was out celebrating Pegriee’s Eve with their matesprits. He didn’t have one, so he was stuck sitting alone in his bunk watching Pailing Prompting Films on his husktop.

                Now that he was mature and by himself, he found himself watching Pailing Prompting Film, or pr0n as it was sometimes called, an awful lot. He used to look down on the crummy production values, bad acting, and ridiculous plots, but now he appreciate the subtle artistry of them. They bespoke of a vibrant life where love was free and passions were high. That, and they helped him feel less alone and horny. While his fellow infragtry comrades partied, he would sit on his sopor slime bag, load up one of the many pirated films on his husktop, put on his headphones, and watch the action. When the pressure got too much, he would run to the hygieneblock and masturbate quickly into a load gapper. He still hadn’t been to a Spawning. For three sweeps running, he had been detained on a “secret mission”, thanks to Sollux’s hacking skills. But time was running out for him. He didn’t want to think about that now.

                He found a new file at the top of his torrent list. He didn’t remember downloading it, but he often just grabbed films at random, so he could enjoy the surprise. Pr0n had long titles just like all troll movies, but pirated files often had short names. This one was called pupa_pan_climatic_scene_pegleg.mov. A pr0n based on a wriggler’s story? It sounded delightfully campy. He put on his headphones and played it.

                The movie was set on an old-fashioned ship sailing the seas. Well, more like a hastily made wooden platform in front of a bad matte painting. Front and center stood a tall female troll dressed like a pirate. Judging from the fins glued to her face and her long purple coat, she was supposed to be a seatroll. However, the yellow-green dot on her lapel revealed her true caste. With her obviously paste jewelry and fancy but worn-out clothes, it looked like they were trying to make her look like a highblood without making her look treasonously close to a highblood. She had a peg leg, a real one, and a small eye-patch barely covering her brutally scarred left eye. She was probably supposed to be the captain, but she didn’t look like one. She was looking off-stage, like she was wondering when the scene was supposed to start.

                Another pirate entered from the left and saluted her, and she jumped into action. Suddenly she looked so commanding and composed.

                                “Report, Sniidd?” she asked.

                                The pirate, a short, fat yellowblood, answered, “We have captured Pupa Pan, mistress.”

                                “Bring him in.”

                Sniidd motioned off-stage. Two burly, dark-skinned maroonbloods came in dragging by the arms a green-clad troll with huge taurian horns and a mohawk. Karkat thought of Tavros, but pushed that thought away. After all, Pupa Pan was usually depicted with a mohawk, and taurian horns were very common, though rarely that big. It was a big empire. There were tons of trolls it could be.

                                The pirate queen ordered, “Lift up your head and look at me, Pupa Pan.”

                Pupa Pan looked up and revealed his scared pupa-like face. It had been a long time since Karkat had seen Tavros but this mystery troll looked so much like him. Still, Karkat doubted it really was him.

                The pirate queen motioned to the prisoner’s guard and they dropped him. He laid sprawled helpless on the deck, and Karkat wondered if he was crippled. Disabilities were common among pr0n performers. For example, the actress playing the pirate queen only had one eye and one leg. She had probably gone into this disreputable line of work to save herself from culling. It wouldn’t be unusual if the actor playing Pupa Pan was also disabled, though it did make Karkat wonder how they had filmed the earlier scenes.

                                Karkat’s questions were answered when the pirate queen said, “Stand up.”

                                Pupa Pan muttered something that sounded like “I can’t.”

                                The pirate queen laughed in an aristocratic manner. “Ho glub glub glub! The Great Flying Pupa Pan can’t even stand on his own two legs? Hmmm? How did this come to be?”

                                Pupa Pan rose up on his arms, and spoke up. “Uhh, I was sleeping, and, someone hit me over the head, knocking me out, and then they threw me off a cliff, and I fell on a rock, and, uhh, that’s how it happened that I got hurt.”

                Karkat listened intently to every stuttered word. The anonymous circle on Pupa Pan’s shirt couldn’t hide his identity. Karkat knew that actor was his wrigglerhood friend, Tavros Nitram.

                He knew he should have stopped the movie and deleted it right away, but he was curious to see where this would go. He found it an odd narrative choice to have the hero defeated off-screen by a sucker punch.

                The pirate queen motioned to the guards, and they picked him up again. She stepped up into his face and grabbed him by the chin. The camera zoomed in on the two.

                                She whispered sensually, “I have captured you, and you have captured my collapsing bladder-based vascular organ, my sourspade.”

                She then kissed him as cheesy, anachronistic curvehorn music played. Tavros’ face was already flushed brown from the kiss, but he was surprisingly yielding and not stiff at all. They did that weird tongue-wrestling thing that popped up in all the pr0n, until the pirate queen pulled back, leaving a string of saliva in her wake. The two leads seemed to have some real chemistry together.

                The pirate queen stepped back some distance, pulled out her rapier, and slashed through the air in front of Pupa Pan’s chest. The guards surreptitiously ripped off his shirt. She slashed his legs, and the guards took off his pants. He was left wearing only his tighty-whiteys. The camera slowly and lovingly panned down his body. His upper body was rather impressive. His biceps and shoulders were huge, and his pecs were tight. His legs were withered, but that wasn’t surprising. His physique didn’t really fit in with the boyish character of Pupa Pan, but then again the seatroll captain wasn’t actually a seatroll.

                The camera cut to the pirate queen’s leering face. She licked her purple lips, and kissed Pupa Pan again. They made out some more. Karkat noticed that Pupa Pan never licked the pirate queen’s fake face fins. He had seen one movie with a seatroll, a weird, shunted-looking one who seemed to be mentally retarded. The movie had focused great attention on his face fins, which were the only good-looking thing on him. Other than that, he didn’t have any other purple-pneumonia pr0n and he wasn’t interested in getting more. This movie focused on Tavros’ huge horns. The pirate queen rubbed them, licked them, and even sucked on the tips a little. Karkat wasn’t into hornplay, and he found himself just wanting them to get on with it.

                The pirate queen stopped making out, and raised up her arm.

                                “Tie him to the rigging!” she bellowed.

                A black sex sling descended from the sky. The guards lifted him up and carefully placed him in the big sling. They strapped his ankles into the smaller slings above him, and tied his hands to his huge horns. He was now totally vulnerable. Again the camera panned lovingly down his body, even playing attention to his rather small feet.

                The camera went back to the pirate queen as she started to undress. She took off her long coat and only a bra was under it. She had large acid globes, but they were probably as fake as her face fins. They still looked enticing. She stripped off the rest of her clothes, revealing her very statuesque body.  Only then did Karkat really start to notice her. He had been distracted by the shock of seeing Tavros. If he couldn’t bear to watch his old friend, he could certainly watch her. She did remind him a bit of Aradia, though her horns were very much different. She also had some other familiar quality to her.

                She put her hands on Pupa Pan’s underwear, and before Karkat could tear himself away, she tore them away. Tavros’ bone bulge jumped out. Karkat’s jaw dropped. Fuck, he thought, it was always the geeks who had the biggest piece. He would have said it was due to Tavros’ big horns, but he didn’t believe that urban legend.

                The pirate queen leaned over Pupa Pan as she rubbed his half-hard bone bulge.

                                “I’ve always wanted your bone bulge to myself,” she cooed, “It’s no right that little fairy gets it and not me.”

                                Pupa Pan turned his face away in a show of chastity. “You can’t steal it, foul pirate!” he cried, “My friends will save me!”

                                The pirate queen laughed, “I have already seduced that little Wnedii girl you call your moirail. She is now my matesprite.”

                Karkat thought this was an interesting turn, and he wished he could have watched that scene.

                                “But I will never submit to you!” Pupa Pan bravely shouted.

                                “Your body has already submitted.”

                Indeed, Pupa Pan looked incredibly aroused. He was blushing down to his chest, panting heavily, and his bone bulge was at full staff.

                The pirate queen took out a pail with a black spade on it and placed it under the sling. She then stepped back and equipped a strap-on over her tiny erect bone bulge. The strap-on was basically just a peg leg and it had to be fourteen inches long. Karkat winced in sympathy.

                                The pirate queen put her hands on her hips. “Didn’t you say once, that death would be an adventure? Prepare for a little death.”

                The camera abruptly cut to a close-up of Tavros’ nook. Karkat felt like he was seeing more of Tavros than his genital specializing medical professional.

                Without any preparation, the pirate queen thrust into poor Tavros’ nook. It went in surprisingly easily, but she could only get half of it in. That still was enough, judging by Tavros’ pained face. Big brown tears were streaming down his cheeks. Tortured cries came from his quivering lips. Still, he took it. His bone bulge shriveled a little but remained hard.

                The pirate queen held Tavros’ ankles as she violently thrust into him over and over. She moaned theatrically.

                                She chanted, “I hate you I hate you I hate you, Pupa Pan, you have foiled my plans for the last time.”

                She stopped a little to rub his withered legs.

                                “Look at you now, you can’t walk, you’re pafetic,” she said, pronouncing the word with her own personal quirk.

                Her own face turned pained.

                                “Oh god, look at you, helpless, on your back, you’re pafetic, it’s so sad, oh god,” she cried.

                Karkat could understand playing up the pity angle, but it was rather unrealistic for their relationship to flip-flop like that in mid-coitus.

                                Pupa Pan mumbled, “I’ll never submit to you, foul pirate.” It sounded out of place now that she had seven inches of hard wood in him.

                The pirate queen bucked up and stopped going red. She grinned and laughed.

                                “I have you now, Pupa Pan!” she exclaimed.

                                He answered, “No, you’ll never control me, you can’t do that anymore!”

                Karkat then realized who else the pirate queen reminded him of. Though her body looked nothing like her, her face was disturbingly similar to Vriska’s. Obviously, it wasn’t her, but Karkat wondered how this affected Tavros.

                The scene went on for an uncomfortable long time, with Tavros’ sobbing realistically and his temporary kismesis gloating. She grabbed the base of her strap-on and started grinding against it as her moans peaked.

                                “I’m dying, I’m dying, you’ve wounded me,” she cried, rocking a little on her peg leg.

                Tavros looked close too. His face was covered in tears and snot, but his bone bulge was rock-hard and throbbing. If she was dying, he was the first to go. With a tortured sob he let go and his copious genetic material flowed into the bucket. His partner pulled out, pushed up her strap-on, and held her bone bulge as her yellow-green genetic material joined his brown. She then sunk down.

                                She croaked, “This isn’t over yet, Pupa...”

                And the video ended there.

                Karkat put away his husktop and laid back. He couldn’t believe he had watched the whole thing. It was painful to watch. He had seen black sex before, but it was usually more reciprocal than the beating that poor paralyzed troll took. He had certainly never watched anyone he knew in one of these films. It made him want to delete all his pr0n.

                So this is how Tavros Nitram made his living? Last he heard from Tavros, he was making work safety videos. Guess that was just a lie. Karkat wondered if his matesprite Gamzee knew about this, and he realized he must know. It was the highblood who vouched for his lowblood partner to keep him from culling. He must have known what the Empire did with this defective troll.

                Karkat was enraged. How could Gamzee pimp out his own matesprit? Sure, he did black sex in this scene, but what about other scenes? He did in front of everyone with a stranger what should only be done in private with the one you love. It was a goddamn fucking crime.

                Karkat suddenly felt the need to save Tavros Nitram. He had no idea how. He couldn’t defy the Empire when he was just a hair away from culling himself, but he had to try. This was his mission. He would be Tavros’ moirail.

                Though their moirallegiance was endangered by his raging stiffy. 


	2. Chapter 2

Tavros gave an exasperated sigh.

  
“It’s...it’s just not working,” he said.

  
Gamzee looked up from Tavros’ crotch.

  
“It’s okay, man,” he cooed, “We can just cuddle.”

  
Tavros propped himself up.

  
“I could always pleasure you,” he said.

  
“Naw, if you can’t pail, I can’t pail.”

  
They had this same conversation over and over. It had been four moon segments since they had, in Gamzee’s words, “pEaNuT bUtTeR jElLy TiMe”. It didn’t make sense - Tavros could perform every time with strangers. Directors loved that they didn’t have to give him lunar cricket or use mind control. His legs were insensitive, but his genitals were very responsive (Gamzee called it a “mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE”). Yet he would come home and try to make pity with his matesprite, the troll he loved and trusted, and he couldn’t perform. It made him worry about what would happen at this sweep’s Great Spawning. He’d gotten through the last two fine, but the stress of his job was getting to him.

  
You’d think it’d be the black sex that stressed him out, but sometimes red sex was the worse. He felt like he was betraying Gamzee. He’d never had a steady kismesis, but he’d been friends with Gamzee since they were four sweeps old and matesprites since six and a half. He knew Gamzee accepted his mock matespriteships, but it still didn’t feel good in his digestive sack. Yet despite his discomfort, part of him loved being pitied. So many people looked at him with disgust or horror it was nice to be treated him nice. The film he’d been working on this moon segment was a medical drama. He was a seatroll who’d been shot in the back by his kismesis, and his co-star was a flighty but dedicated blue-green medisister with good cocoonside manners (highblood trolls had much more leeway with disabilities). His co-star resembled Kanaya but with simpler horns and much lower blood. When his co-star frowned with concern he thought of his pale crush for his quasi-kismesis’ moirail, and when she gave him an enema, he thought of his more concupiscent feelings for Aradia. He’d come home to his true matespriteship but he failed to enact that passion.

  
It wasn’t like they’d never had good sex. Their first time lasted three wonderful hours. The laid-back troll put all his energy into it. It was right before they took the maturity shuttle so there was a fear that Tavros would be culled or at least assigned far away. When the brownblood was assigned to the Film Corp, prOn Division, he relished the attention and compliments he got on set and he came home every day with high self-esteem and an urge to use his impressive bone bulge on Gamzee. It wasn’t like that anymore.

  
Gamzee crawled up and laid down next to Tavros on their collection of clown and fairy themed pillows. Before they could get comfortable, the doorbell rang.  
Karkat stood outside the communal hivestem unit Gamzee shared with his matesprite. He was wearing his infragtry uniform. He didn’t have any decent civies, not that fashion was important. Sollux had tracked down Tavros for him. Unlike many of the other performers, Tavros didn’t live in the Film Corp barracks. Karkat used up one of his few free rights and rushed to the planet Tannhauser. He only had two nights, but he planned to use them well.

  
There was a bit of a delay and Karkat worried they weren’t in. He should have contacted them before just coming over, he groused to himself. But then Gamzee opened the door.

  
“Hey, Kitten!” he cried as he hugged Karkat.

  
“It’s Karkat, Karkat Vantas,” his muffled voice replied.

  
Gamzee pulled back. “Yeah, I remember! Long time no see, friend.”

  
“If you greet all your friends with a musclebeast hug I’m glad it’s been a long time. I think you broke my ribs.”

  
]“You always find some motherfucking thing to bitch about, don’t you bro?”

  
Karkat stepped back.

  
“I hauled my ass all the way here from the godforsaken planet Gogmagog to talk to you and your matesprite so you better make a few minutes for me.”

  
“I can do better than that! Stay for dinner with us!”

  
Tavros appeared over Gamzee’s shoulder. He was wearing expensive robotic braces. He still dressed like his legs just went through a growth spurt.

  
Gamzee turned to him. “Is that cool with you, mate?”

  
Tavros nodded his head uncertainly.

  
Karkat answered, “Good, it’ll be cheaper than the overpriced shit on this planet.”

  
He walked into the hive. It was a lot smaller than he thought a highblood’s hive would be. Tiny, even. Either Gamzee saved his credits for his stupid horns or, more likely, the Powers-That-Be were punishing him for being with a lowblood. The wall were painted in alternating purple and red making the place look even smaller. There was a door in the back, and an alcove with a kitchenette to the right. In the middle of the room was a low table with the girliest pillows around it.

  
Gamzee asked, “Would you mind taking off yo shoes? We just like keeping thing all neat and shit.”

  
Karkat looked down at Gamzee’s huge naked feet, and then his eyes travelled over to Tavros’ tiny sock clad feet. He thought of the way that clip indulged the viewers’ foot fetish, how it reveled in the irony of those tiny feet with that huge...Karkat snapped out of his revelry. He unbuckled his boots and put them next to Tavros’ sandals and Gamzee’s slip-ons.

  
Tavros wasn’t sure he wanted to have dinner with someone else. He wanted to spend some alone time with his boyfriend. Yet he also felt he needed a distraction from his relationship problems. They could talk about movies that didn’t involve genetic material.

  
Tavros carefully sat down and took off his braces. He actually didn’t like wearing them around the hive. They were so cumbersome it was easier to crawl sometimes. Gamzee went to the kitchen to start cooking. Karkat stood awkwardly by the front door.

  
“Uhh, don’t you want to sit down?” Tavros asked.

  
“Yeah, I can’t stand around a day,” Karkat admitted.

  
He sat down across the table from Tavros. They said nothing for a while, neither of them able to make small talk.

  
Finally, Tavros asked, “Uhh, what was the last good movie you saw?”

  
This brought Tavros a half-hour of small talk. Karkat happily recited the full title, the cast list, and his expert opinion on the semiotics of the piece. Tavros wasn’t bored with this lecture. He really thought it sounded like a good movie. He just had to see that scene where the hoofbeast played throwkickball.

  
Gamzee came out of the food-preparation block with dinner: meatloaf in grubsauce, mashed brownstarch, and boiled greens. Karkat’s mouth watered. He had been unsure about Gamzee’s cooking but it looked so good. He hadn’t eaten anything that hadn’t come from a vat in so long. He piled generous portions onto his plate and started eating ravenously. He paused when Gamzee asked:

  
“So, what shit are you into these nights?”

  
Karkat swallowed. “Still in the fucking infragtry. I haven’t even gone into combat yet. I just spend all night holding my bone bulge.” He paused. “Figuratively.”

  
“Yeah, work is hella boring. Fuck, I can’t tell you how much time I spend spinning in my chair, but it’s a lot of time.”

  
“But it’s probably still better than standing in waist-high mud all night waiting for some alien to shoot you. Not that I’m scared of combat, it’s just I don’t want my legs to rot off.”

  
He looked at Tavros and saw no reaction. He continued eating.

  
Gamzee said, “I never been combat and I’m not sure I’d want to be, cause ninjas be shooting you.” He stiffened with fear. “Plus, I don’t really want to club someone, not unless they piss me off.”

  
“What is your assignment anyway?”

  
Gamzee looked off and tapped his hairy chin. “Umm, the assistant to, of the deputy, for the something something...”

  
“Deputy Assistant to the Chief Advisor of the District Board of Religious Affairs,” Tavros recited.

  
“Yeah, that! I assist the assistant when he need assisting.”

  
Karkat grumbled. Damn highbloods and their cushy jobs. He didn’t want to think what grade this moron was.

  
He turned to Tavros. “And what about you?”

  
He looked nervous for a second, but then answered, “I went to a Fiduspawn tournament last season, the District 4 one, that’s where we live, and I almost qualified for the Sector tournament, but my fidus got stepped on.”

  
“You still play that stupid game?”

  
Tavros frowned. “Lots of adults play that game, these nights, and you can get credits and other prizes, like Fiduspawn merchandise.”

  
“How lucrative,” Karkat deadpanned. “But what about your assigned job?”

  
“It, uhh, doesn’t make that much money, Gamzee is kind of the starchloaf winner for the hive.”

  
“What I am asking,” Karkat inquired, “Is what is your job?”

  
Tavros looked at Gamzee, and then looked back at Karkat.

  
“I think I told you this before, but, I, uhh, act in films, that are about work safety, and I show, uhh, what might happen if you aren’t safe.”

  
He was such a terrible liar that Karkat wondered why he believed him in the first place. Tavros and Gamzee looked at him expectantly. Karkat took a deep breath, sighed, and pinched his nose.

  
“That’s bullshit,” he softly said.

  
Tavros sputtered, “No, why would you think that, what other job could I have?”

  
“You are an actor, but it isn’t in any bullshit work safety films, which could probably replace you with a healthy troll in a four-wheeled device, but you work in...” Karkat groaned. “You work in pr0n.”

  
Tavros held his hands to his blushing face. Even Gamzee looked shocked.

  
“No, no, no,” Tavros yelled, “It’s not true!”

  
“Yeah,” Gamzee added, “He ain’t, it must be someone telling shit about him.”

  
“Uhh, who told you?”

  
“No one told me,” Karkat replied, “I...witnessed it.”

  
Tavros sunk down, defeated.

  
“I tried to be something else, really, I tried. I knew I couldn’t be in the Cavalreapers, because I’m not good at getting on and off things, cause I’m disabled, so I tried to join the Commune of Communers, but, uhh, they said there’s a glut of animal psychics and I wasn’t a top candidate, because I wasn’t very mobile. They didn’t cull me, because the Highblood is my matesprite, but for a long time I was in limbo, for half a sweep, until finally, uhh, finally they found a place for me.”

  
Gamzee put his arm around Tavros’ shoulder. Despite this comfort he started sobbing into Gamzee’s shoulder. Gamzee gave Karkat a look that said, “Why you got to do a thing?” Karkat felt the whole thing was necessary, as painful as it was.

 

“I didn’t have a choice!” Tavros cried, “They summoned me to the studio, they didn’t tell me why, and they made me strip, and they had a psychic take over my mind so I could, uhh, so I could pail myself.”

  
Gamzee patted him on the back. “There, there, it’s all right, I know.” He looked at Karkat. “We all know.”

  
Karkat was jealous of Gamzee. It should have been him, the moirail, comforting Tavros, not his matesprit. He wanted so badly to hug him. It was a strange feeling, actually wanting physical contact.

  
“Shit, I’m sorry, that is so goddamn wrong,” Karkat sympathized, “How the fuck have you managed for so long without going out of your think pan?”

  
Tavros pulled himself off Gamzee and stopped crying.

  
“Uhh, it’s not so bad,” he said cheerfully, “I mean, there are some really dangerous and, uhh, really gross jobs out there, so it’s not that bad, having sex, all the time.” He added, “Sometimes it’s fun.”

  
Karkat looked at Gamzee to read his reaction to this confession, but the stoner proved hard to read.

  
“So, uhh, which movie did you see?” Tavros asked with a strange excitement in his voice.

  
Karkat looked at him funny. “Pupa Pan. Or at least the file name said it was Pupa Pan.” Karkat looked away. “I pirated a scene from the movie, okay? But I didn’t know you were in it!”

  
He blanched. “Pupa Pan?”

  
“Maybe you’ve done twenty Pan pr0ns by this point, but this scene was with this greenblood with a peg leg...”

  
Tavros’ tears started again. “Oh Lorlei,” he cried, “Lorlei!”

  
Karkat was worried. He’d already caused his future moirail to cry twice that morning.

  
Tavros composed himself a little. “That was, uhh, the last movie we did, uhh, before, before we broke up. You see, we were kismesis.”

  
“I totally sensed some serious chemistry between you two,” Karkat bragged.

  
Tavros sighed nostalgically. “When we met in the break block, and in the mass eating block, we’d get together and have rap battles, take turns dissing each other.” He grinned. “I really burnt her sometimes.”

  
Karkat rolled his eyes. He couldn’t imagine Tavros successfully “burning” anyone.

  
Tavros continued, “But we hadn’t done any consummating, you see, even pr0n actors don’t rush into these things, but then we were assigned to do a movie, together. Our first time, very first, would be onscreen, and we hadn’t done more than kiss and here she was, uhh, well, fucking me with a fourteen inch dildo.”

  
He blushed deeply and even smiled a little with pleasure. He soon turned sad again.

  
“But it changed our relationship, because she found she really couldn’t bear to hurt me, not really, and I was supposed to be her kismesis. The scene was actually harder on her, than on me, though I did feel pretty sore.

  
“She told me, afterwards, that her feelings had flipped, she pitied me now, but she knew I had a matesprite already, so she told me, she was going to back off.”

  
“And what happened with her?” Karkat asked.

  
Gamzee answered laconically, “She left.”

  
“She just disappeared,” Tavros said, “I don’t know where she went.”

  
Karkat leaned back and took this in.

  
“Goddamn,” he said, “How the fuck can any of you have a relationship?”

  
“It ain’t easy,” Gamzee replied.

  
“I just try to take work, and take home, and put them in different boxes and not mix them together,” Tavros answered, “And sometimes it works!” He grinned.

  
Gamzee said, “I wish I could take my work, put it in a box, and set fire to it and just watch it all burn down, don’t you, Karkat?”

  
“Yeah, yeah,” Karkat answered distractedly, “Burn things.”

  
They all started eating again. As they ate Gamzee continued a non-existent conversation.

  
“Yeah, at my work they don’t let me wear my paint, which is bullshit, cause ain’t it supposed to be the Office of Religious Shit? But they say my sect isn’t really respectable, that it’s barely legal, and plus it makes my face look shitty. And they keep telling me to wear my uniform jacket even when I don’t got it cause I lost it. They got any annoying dress code rules at your job?”

  
“We have a uniform,” Karkat mumbled.

  
He was busy looking at Tavros. He still couldn’t really believe this grub-faced boy had sex for a living. The young thirteen sweep troll was still rather awkward when it came to sexual matters. Yet Karkat knew from the video he was really good at it. Despite himself, he had great enthusiasm for his forced task. He couldn’t have been more aroused. And he may have had the face of a wriggler but he had the body of a mature troll. Under that stupid jacket were a great pair of guns, and down where you’d think he’d be paralyzed...god damn! Was that why Vriska was after him? Karkat suspected that she was able to see through clothes (another good reason to never meet her in person). What had happened to her anyway?

  
Gamzee stopped talking. He stared at Karkat, and then smiled.

  
“So, what brings you here, old friend?” he asked cheerfully.

  
Karkat’s thoughts were interrupted. “Oh, it’s just I wanted to talk about Tavros and...” He dropped his knife and fork and pounded on the table. “IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT!” he yelled.

  
Tavros moved away. Gamzee looked puzzled, almost suspicious.

  
Karkat gestured wildly with his knife. “Our goddamn empire already takes too much without forcing people to commit adultery! You just don’t fucking mess with romance! You don’t cut those sacred bonds!”

  
“That’s just the way it is, man,” Gamzee replied, throwing up his hands. “The Big Magenta says jump, you just go along.”

  
“But you could appeal! You could make your case!” He pointed to Tavros with his knife. “He may be a gimp but he can command an entire forest! And you!” He pointed at Gamzee. “You are one of the few indigobloods left and you’re the highest one! You may be a useless shit but you are a fucking elite useless shit!”

  
“We have tried!” whined Tavros, “We went through all the bureaucracy and channels and we still failed!”

  
“Yeah, we went through all that. Whole bunch of paperwork and hearings and shit,” Gamzee confirmed.

  
Karkat sarcastically remarked, “Pardon me if I have misgivings about the think pan trust that is Nitram and Makara, but you two couldn’t think up a plan to save your lives, literally. I don’t know how you two survived this long in the waking daymare of laws and murder we call the Alternian Empire! You need someone with the smarts and guile god gave sniveling caninebeasts.”

  
“But who?” Tavros asked.

  
Karkat pounded on his chest, “I could do it! Yes, I’m taking on your case!”

  
Tavros and Gamzee looked at him with disbelief.

  
“Can you really help us?” Tavros asked, “I mean, you don’t really have any legal training and...” He pointed to Karkat’s symbol. “You’re only a, uhh, maroonblood.”

  
Karkat had to admit Tavros was right. He wasn’t equipped for the job. But it was not like him to back down after yelling something stupid.

  
“I know people who could help,” he said, “There’s Sollux, he’s a hacker, and then there’s Terezi, I hear she’s in law now!”

  
Tavros blushed. “I really don’t want more people to know, than who already know, that I have this, uhh, problem.”

  
“This is some private shit between my man and his quadrant,” Gamzee said.

  
“What if,” Karkat asked, “What if I joined his quadrant?”

  
“Joined how?” Gamzee replied in a strange flat voice.

  
“What quadrant do you think? Auspictise? Kismesis?” He turned to look Tavros deeply in the eye and reached out across the table. “Tavros Nitram, will you be my moirail?”

  
Tavros didn’t take his hands. “Oh, oh my, this is, uhh, sudden, I don’t know what to say, I need time to think.”

  
Karkat was down heartened but not totally devastated. While he waited for Tavros to say yes he could always think up a plan.

  
“Think quickly, because you can’t wait forever,” he said, “It’s just going to get more and more unbearable until you’ll want to cull your own damn self.”

  
Tavros gasped, “Oh dear!”

  
“It’ll all work out,” Gamzee pronounced in his usual serene manner.

  
They started eating again. When Karkat was done, Gamzee motioned to him.

  
“Hey, Karkat, I wanna jam with you, come on up to the food-preparation block.”

  
Karkat stood up and went to the food-preparation block with Gamzee. Gamzee stood with his back to the archway. He walked up close to Karkat and put his long hand on Karkat’s shoulder and whispered to him.

  
“Listen carefully man because I am layin’ out some serious things, no clownin’ around,” he started, “Now maybe I’m just testy cause I haven’t had a pie since midnight, I’m tryin’ to cut down ya see, but I don’t like the way you been actin’.”

  
“I haven’t been ruder than normal,” Karkat answered with a little annoyance.

  
“You haven’t been yellin’ and cussin’ like normal but that don’t mean ya ain’t rude. You’ve been getting into shit you shouldn’t be gettin’ into. You come in here like your one of the motherfucking Mirthful Messiahs, all promisin’ shit you can’t do, raisin’ my boy’s hopes up to the sky, and I think you’re tryin’ something.”

  
“Trying? I’m trying to be his moirail.”

  
“Shiiit, that’s a motherfucking lie. You aren’t pale for him. There’s something a little red, maybe a lot red, and it’s painted all over you.”

  
“You must be still high from your midnight binge, because you are hallucinating some crazy shit.”

  
“I may be on the slime but I can still read feelings and I know what you’re feeling. You don’t have a matesprite in his line of work without knowing which ninjas are out to fuck him, and I know you want to fuck his horns off.”

  
“When did you get so goddamn jealous? How can you even hold any jealousy when his job description is to fuck people who aren’t you?”

  
“I may not own his body, but I own his heart, and I will keep on owning that heart after your sadass maroonblood lifespan is over.”

  
“You can’t solely own it. Haven’t you heard of the quadrants, dumbass?”

  
“I’ve let him have kismesises before, it pissed me off but I didn’t raise no holler, it’s just the way shit works. But when his kismesis crosses that line, I have to do my thing.

  
“You know what happened to the tall bitch that fucked him in that video? She went up to Tavros crying like a wriggler, saying she was flushed for him and she’d leave him alone but I knew that wasn’t true, cause my chocolate brother is like a drug, you just don’t quit him like that. She already crossed the line. So I just told my bosses look into her, do an inquisition, and that defective little lowblood got herself culled.

  
“And don’t think she was the first. I’ve killed before, and not just with bureaucracy. Know what happened to Vriska? I cracked open her motherfucking head and fed her to her own clowndamn mother. So don’t think I’m too motherfucking squeamish to fuck up the motherfucker who really pisses me off. Understand?”

  
Karkat was speechless. He nodded. Gamzee turned around.

  
“Hey guys, I made some motherfucking cherry pie!” he called out.

  
They all ate the pie, Karkat in silence, Gamzee and Tavros talking animatedly. After dessert Karkat almost bolted out the door, only to be stopped when Tavros asked for his contact information. When he was gone, Gamzee turned to Tavros and started rubbing his horns.

  
“Now that motherfucker is gone we’re gonna take up where we left off, bro,” he cooed.

  
Gamzee carried Tavros into the respiteblock and laid him down on the floor. Tavros was shocked he was the initiative but was not unhappy at this move. His matesprite acted unusually aggressive. He practically pulled Tavros by the horns and made him go down on him. This turned Tavros on enough for them to make pity. Gamzee was a bit too rough, but Tavros didn’t say anything about it. When he came he “accidentally” didn’t use the pail. And afterwards he just stared at their combined genetic material with a loving smile.

  
Karkat was afraid Gamzee was a total psycho.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ughhh where am I going with this?

Gamzee didn’t know what he’d do if he didn’t have Tavros. He’d probably go crazy. He was so flushed for the little guy, and he just grew more flushed for him every night. He remembered, one of the few things he could remember, the night when he confessed. Tavros said he’d think about it, and Gamzee spent hours in an agony sopor slime couldn’t cure waiting for his answer. He stayed awake all day writing “YeS oR nO?” all over the walls. But Tavros did say yes! Gamzee somersaulted when he saw the Trollian message and he went off circled every “YeS”. He also remembered the day before they left their homeworld. They made crazy pity for hours, doing everything they could think of, exploring every part of each other’s bodies, Gamzee finding out how sensitive Tavros’s upper body was, Tavros finding out how flexible Gamzee was, each of them praying for a miracle to keep them together. Their prayers were answered. For three sweeps they had been living together.

Matesprits living together was strange. Usually only moirails lived together. However, it was more convenient for Tavros to live with Gamzee since he was his highblood sponsor. Yet even if that wasn’t the case, they would still live together. Their relationship was less like a torrid matespritship and more like a calming moirallegiance. Living and struggling together they had grown to be dependent on each other. Tavros needed Gamzee to protect him, and Gamzee simply needed Tavros. Tavros was everything to Gamzee.

He didn’t feel this way about his other quadrant. His kismesis, Equius, was just someone he could fill a pail with. He’d just chosen him capriciously one night and he readily accepted. Gamzee found that he could easily hate the uptight jerk. He hated him so much he hated spending time with him. Their sessions brought out something strange in Gamzee he’d tried to suppress. His speech would suddenly fill with strange, bigoted nonsense. It was like he was possessed. Luckily, they didn’t meet very often, usually only a sweep for the spawning and once a sweep for upkeep. Still, dating Equius did have its advantages. He got the robotic braces that moved Tavros’ legs totally for free. Plus, Equius had never revealed he witnessed Gamzee murdering Vriska.

He hadn’t murdered Vriska because of the mean things she did to Tavros. He even forgave her for crippling him. He tolerated the pseudo-kismesis relationship she tried to foster with Tavros. Yet one night her relationship with him changed. She stopped insulting him and blaming him for the accident. She gave him presents. She was even close to apologizing sometimes. Tavros slowly started responding to her advances. He started saying she wasn’t so bad, she was just lonely and afraid. Gamzee was losing him and one night he just lost it. He went over to her house, hit her over and over until her brains splattered on his clothes, and then went over to Equius’ and asked him out. He said yes.

Gamzee from then on looked at every kismesis with suspicion. If the girl who’d once hated him so much she threw him off a cliff could switch to pity, anyone else could. He still had to let Tavros have kismesis. It was just how their biology worked, and anyway it wouldn’t be fair otherwise. Tavros did find kismesises or rather kismesises found him. He’d had three since he matured, one for each sweep. And it wasn’t just kismesis. Everyone was in lust with his matesprit, he knew it. They swarmed him and poor Tavros, loving the attention too much, flirted back.

Gamzee had to protect him. He may have failed to keep him from being assigned such a terrible job, maybe even helped the assigners by naively answering their questions, and he may not be able to save him from his job, but he could still keep the real motherfuckers away.

He’d recently dispatched one such motherfucker. He’d gotten the night off after accidentally blowing up the coffee machine, so decided to visit Tavros at his work. He rarely did this, but he wanted to pick up his boyfriend and go out for tacos. He was checking out this cool set when he saw Tavros through the window. Tavros was in his four-wheeled device with a cushion under his butt. Gamzee knew this meant he’d gone through a rough scene and he was about to go through the door when he saw Lorlei walk over to him. He went to the side of the window where he wouldn’t be seen and watched. He was curious what the bitch was going to do.

Tavros’ face lit up when he saw her. He was never good at pretending to be disinterested with his kismesises.

“Hey, it’s you, Scarface!” he cried out, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”

The bitch slowly looked up from the floor. “I also need to talk to you.”

“Too bad, bitch! I’m going first! I just want to say, that was a great scene, you were awesome. I know kismesises shouldn’t complaint each other but, uhh, I don’t think it really applies with sex. Wow, that sex. You really gave it to me, I’m going to feel that for nights. Don’t think I’m going to let that go unpunished. Mess with the bull, get the horns, and I got big ones! And don’t think I can’t be on top, I can, my braces let me thrust a little, my matesprit says I’ve got great rhythm. It’s going to be great. We’ve got really passion...”

“Shut up!” she screamed, “Stop being so fluffing adorable!”

And then she started crying big chartreuse tears. Tavros held his face and gasped. Gamzee almost fell backwards with shock.

She continued, “I came here to breakup with you and you’re making it hard on me!”

Tavros asked weakly, “Uhh, what did I do wrong?”

“That’s the problem! You do everything right! You’re dumb and naive and relentlessly cheerful and you think you’re clever but you aren’t and I fought I hated that, I fought it angered me, but when it came time to actually take out my anger at you I couldn’t!”

“Uhh, but you did hurt me? The medics found bruises in places I can’t see.”

“Don’t you get it? I pity you!”

Gamzee looked at Tavros’ face searching for signs that he reciprocated but found none. Tavros just looked shocked, and then flustered.

“Well, uhh, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say, I already have a matesprit.”

“I know, you idiot, I’m not asking to be your matesprit. I said it already, I’m breaking up with you.”

“But I don’t want to break up with you! I still hate you! There’re still cracks to be made, new raps, more Pupa Pan references, more games I could beat you in, and I still haven’t gotten to, uhh, penetrate you.” It was his turn to cry. “I mean, even now, looking at you cry, I just keep thinking about how I want to make you cry, during sex that is.”

“I know you want us to stay together, but it’s just not going to work.”

Tavros bucked up a little. “But you pitying me, it’s not a deal-breaker, tons of kismesises go through periods like this, and it just fades. When you feel my revenge, you’ll hate me again.”

She closed her eyes. “But I don’t think I ever hated you. I think I just liked flirting with you.” She opened her eyes. “It’s only now I truly love you.”

“So you’re break up with me?”

“I love you too much to take you from the one you love. So I have to leave you.”

“How can you leave me? We work at the same place.”

“I don’t know. Maybe I can get a transfer to someplace else. Maybe I can even get a new job. Maybe we’ll just have to agree to avoid each other. It just isn’t our fate to be together.”

She then walked away.

After witnessing this, Gamzee had to keep himself from punching the glass. He hated that bitch so much he almost needed an auspictise. That bitch had just been pretending to be his kismesis, just to get close, and now she put on this big tear-jerking scene like it was a movie. She was an actress, and actresses were just lying bitches.

This wasn’t the first kismesis to grow flushed for his adorable little boy. Two of them had flipped over to red (his first one cheated on him). She was the first to be brazen enough to actually confess it. She had serious plans. Gamzee wasn’t going to let her get away with this. Besides that spiderbitch, he’d dispatched two kismesis. No, he hadn’t beaten them to death, as much as he wanted to. That would bring too much attention. Instead, he let the Empire do his dirty work. It was easy turning them in to his bosses. They trusted that he had inside information on the pr0n studios and they quickly went to work. And once the ball was rolling, it was hard for anyone to stop it. For someone who still couldn’t make a decent cup of coffee after three sweeps, he could be dangerously smart at times.


	4. Chapter 4

                Karkat wasn’t replying to Tavros. Tavros had been trying to reach him for two moon segments. He had tried every account: his two email accounts, official and private, Trollian, Hornbook, Myblock, all several times. He called his cell phone and he even called Karkat’s barrack, only to be greeted with snickering and laughing. It seemed hopeless.

 

                If only he had said yes right away, Tavros thought. That was always the way it was. Whenever someone proposed to him, he was surprised, every time, and he ended up saying maybe. He’d done this routine with Gamzee and all three of his kismesis. Now he was afraid Karkat had taken his “maybe” to mean “no”, and him now saying “yes” was just taken to mean “I suppose”. He couldn’t think of any other reason for Karkat to turn him down.

 

                He really wanted to be Karkat’s moirail. Gamzee was nice, but he wasn’t really his moirail. He couldn’t always deal with Tavros’ problems with that drug of his. It would be good if Karkat could shoulder his burden. Tavros believed Gamzee felt a little relieved when Karkat proposed to him. Their stress was lifted and they could make pity again. Their sex life revived again. Karkat was already helping him.

                 Tavros was looking into courier services when Gamzee came home from shopping.

 

                “Hey, guess what’s for dinner today?”

 

                Tavros replied, “Uhh, I can’t guess, uhh, pot pie?”

 

                Gamzee uncapchalogued a grocery bag. “Motherfucking sweet-ass crabmeat!”

 

                Tavros looked down at his husktop. “Oh.”

 

                Gamzee put the bag on the table. “What’s up, little bro?”

 

                Tavros looked back up at him. “It’s Karkat, I haven’t been able to contact him, and I’ve been trying really hard.”

 

                “Huh, really? Why the fuck would you do that? He probably already guessed you ain’t interested.”

 

                “But I am interested! I said so in my emails!”

 

                Gamzee frowned. “Oh.”

 

                He sat down next to Tavros and put his arm around him. “Motherfucker probably don’t return yo feelings.”

 

                “I think he was being serious! I just know he was!”

 

                “Maybe, but maybe he’s dead.”

 

                “Don’t say that! Besides, I called his barrack and they said he was alive, uhh, before teasing Karkat.” Tavros suddenly shot up. “Hey, maybe you could contact him, with your highblood clearance and everything.”

 

                Gamzee dropped his arm. “Sorry, but nope.”

 

                “Uhh, nope? You don’t think you can do it?”

 

                “Nah, I probably could.” His face went blank. “I just hate the motherfucker.”

 

                “But, but, I thought he was your friend! Uhh, does this mean you’re, now, uhh, waxen for him?”

 

                “Hell, I wouldn’t fuck that nubby-horned freak with Equius’ bulge!”

 

                “Uhh, what did he do, then?”

 

                Gamzee put his hand on Tavros’ thigh. “Kinda funny, ain’t it, that our old friend, the motherfucker who’s be ignoring us for sweeps, only comes a-knocking after seeing your bone bulge?”

 

                “It’s just he wasn’t concerned, when he thought I was working, uhh, work safety films, but pr0n, that’s a different. He seemed really against it.”

 

                “Yeah, that fucker hates it so much he downloads that shit, probably got a whole something or other of that shit.”

 

                “Maybe that was the first one he saw, and then he changed his mind, on pr0n?”

 

                Gamzee shook his head. “He could say that, hell, he probably would say it, but it’s all bullshit, I just know it. And I’m not gonna let a bullshit motherfucker like him be your moirail.”

 

                “But...but you can’t say that!” His eyebrows shot down. “I’m sorry, but with this, I just can’t let you tell me what to do. It’s my own heart and it’s my own quadrant.”

 

                Gamzee put his hand in Tavros’ mohawk. “Heh, that’s what I love about you. You’re such an innocent little bro. You just don’t know how goddamn motherfucking sexy you are.”

 

                Tavros whimpered. “Please, please don’t change the subject. I am going to be moirails with Karkat, even if you don’t agree.”

 

                “If that scared motherfucker ain’t run away, that is. But if he come back, it’s fate, and you know you can’t fuck with fate.”

 

                “Yeah, that’s true. But I still believe.”

 

                Gamzee got up and took the bag to the food-preparation block to cook them. Dinner was awkward and silent. As Gamzee cleared the table, Tavros finally said something.

 

                “I think you should be happy, about this, and I think you were happy, when you made pity to me.”

 

                Gamzee put the dish back on the table. “Hell, I was just agreeing with him, you are one sexy motherfucker.”

 

                “But don’t you see? We couldn’t have sex until he came. He helped us! And maybe he could help me find a new kismesis!”

 

                “When’ve you ever needed help finding a lover? Hell, I’d hate you if it meant I could get some of you! Nah, I could never hate you even if I had a miracle. I am flushed head-to-toe for you!”

 

                Tavros smiled. “Uhh, wow, you really are a flatter.”

 

                Gamzee sat down next to Tavros and kissed him. “Only saying the honest truth.”

 

                Tavros looked down and blushed. “Oh, dear god, you’re really turning me on.”

 

                Gamzee suddenly picked up Tavros and carried him into the respiteblock. He laid him down and they started to make-out. Tavros stopped him and pointed over to his robotic braces.

 

                “Uhh, could you put those on me? I’d like to top today, if you don’t mind, that is.”

 

                Gamzee went and did this. Tavros got up, and then kneeled down. Gamzee fell on his back and kicked his pants and underwear off, and then sat up with his knees apart. Tavros crawled between his thighs.

 

                “Are you really okay with this? Do you need any preparation?”

 

                “Nah, I’m able to take you in, all of you in, we fit together.”

 

                “O-okay.”

 

                Tavros unzipped his pants and let his bone bulge out of his boxers. Gamzee stroked it and when it was hard enough he guided it into his nook. Tavros looked Gamzee in the eyes as he slowly straighten out his knees so he could penetrate him deeper. Gamzee gave a satisfied hum and this heartened Tavros. He bent his knees and started thrusting the best he could without control of his hips. And few thrusts in, on the downward stroke, he suddenly stopped.

 

                “What’s up?” Gamzee asked.

 

                “Uhh, I’m stuck. There’s something wrong with the braces.”

 

                “Let me help.”

 

                Gamzee pushed him up with his feet. The braces finally bent. Tavros sat back on his knees and looked down at his non-working knees and his softening bone bulge.

 

                “This is so embarrassing. I should never wear the braces, during sex.”

 

                “Nah, we should do it more often. We just needa bring Equius down to fix them up, work his magic.”

 

                Tavros looked up. “Bring him here?”

 

                “Why not? I’m getting the feeling to see him again.”


	5. Chapter 5

                Gamzee slapped Equius.

 

                “That MO-TH-ER-FUCK-ER KARKAT!” he screamed.

 

                Equius didn’t reply. He had gagged and bond in a solid steel. His arms and legs shackled and manacled,  forcing him into caninebeast position, and his head was in a stock. The whole thing was on a platform for easy access. He had designed and created the instrument to protect his partners during sex.

 

                The kismesises were on a satellite orbiting Tannhauser. Equius lived on a station not far from Gamzee’s planet, but still far enough to be a hassle to visit there. Still, he always leapt to see Gamzee when Gamzee ordered him to. He would never disobey the Highblood.

 

                Equius worked as a robotics engineer. He’d protested his assignment, since he wanted to fight in the elite squads, so he was in the reserves. He would never be called up. His genius was too important for him to be cannonfodder, no matter how strong he was. His bosses gave him lots of leeway since he had much higher blood than most engineers. He even got his own private block in the visiting lodge connected to the satellite.

 

                Gamzee paced around the cold, antiseptic block. Equius watched him with glassless eyes the best he could without turning his neck.

 

                Gamzee yelled, “He was my best friend! MY BEST MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND! I loved him like a brother, whatever the fuck that means, but I did! We’ve know each other since, shit, I can’t remember cause the sopor burned it, but it was a motherfucking long time! We grew up together! It’s one thing, all the other motherfuckers fucking with me, fucking with my matesprit, but this motherfucker is different.”

 

                Gamzee rambling and yelling at Equius wasn’t unusual. In fact that was generally what their sessions consisted of. Gamzee would verbally slam Equius for a half hour, getting them both worked up, then he’d strip out of his clothes and fuck Equius’ sweat thighs until they both pailed. However, it was unusual for Gamzee to rant about his problems like Equius was moirail. This time, he called his kismesis for just this purpose.

 

                He continued, “All this, just goes to show you can’t trust anyone. They all out to get you. Trolls be sneaky little fuckers. Everyone of them. People think I’m dumb, like I can’t figure things out cause I can’t figure out science and shit, but I know feelings. I’m almost psychic with feelings. I look into their eyes and I see all those motherfuckers feeling evil feelings.

 

                “But Tavros doesn’t see it! He got the power to see animal minds, but he don’t know shit about trolls. He don’t know evil like I do, he ain’t tricky like me. I love him for that, that why I pity him, but it makes it hard. He actually believes Karkat, really fucking believes him! He thinks Karkat’s got some miracle up his sleeves when I know that motherfucker can’t do any miracles. That little shits just a powerless peasantblood.”

 

                Gamzee paused like he remembered something. He went over to Equius and gently touched his face.

 

                “You know, Karkat’s got a secret, I can tell you cause you won’t say anything, you won’t say anything even if they threatened to cut off yo bone bulge and stuff it in yo ass, so I’ll tell you.” He whispered, “Karkat’s a mutant. No lying, no bullshit, I’ve seen it. I caught him crying once. Never thought about, don’t know why, maybe I didn’t give a shit, maybe I like the pretty color, but I got to tell someone. His blood be red, bright red.”

 

                Equius’ eyes widen as big as possible. He tried to say something but couldn’t.

 

                Gamzee laughed. “Yeah, it’s funny, that guys so low he gotta pretend to be a maroonblood. Couldn’t pretend to be a snotblood anymore. It’s a fucking joke. Probably thinks people won’t ask no question when his cheeks go flush a little red. The only miracle that motherfucker has is everybody’s too dumb to figure it out. Motherfucking mutant.”

 

                He looked at Equius’ blue blushed face and slapped it.

 

                “FUCKING LOWBLOODS! FUCKING LOWBLOODS FUCKING EVERYTHING UP! It’s never a highblood, always got to be a lowblood trying to fuck with us! Got all the colors after us.

 

                His voice went soft, even plaintive as he strolled along. “You know, sometimes I wish there wasn’t anybody else in this world. Just me and my troll Tavros. Everyone else just a stain on the wall. We’d just hang out, cook and eat, play around, we wouldn’t have to work anymore, he wouldn’t have to fuck other trolls, no kismesises, no moirails, just him and me being matesprit till the night we die.

 

                He stood still. “I could kill everyone.” He smiled. “Yeah, kill everyone. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do, what the Mother Grub brought me into this world to do, how the Mirthful Messiahs gonna make that Paradise Planet. A planet for me and Tavros.”

 

                He rushed over to Equius and pulled his head up by the horns. He looked deeply into his eyes.

 

                “I’d even kill you,” he said cheerfully, “Gonna kill the Empress too and all her fishy friends. But I’d kill you.” He growled, “You probably also out to cheat me, you little motherfucker. Your nook is wet as yo armpit for his big bull bulge.”

 

                Equius tried to shake his head but couldn’t. Gamzee uncapchalogued a whip. His pupils shrunk to dots.

 

                “I should KILL YOU NOW, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” he screamed.

 

                 He looped the whip around Equius’ neck and pulled. Equius’ face turned even more blue until his eyes rolled back and his head dropped. Gamzee quickly let go of the whip.

 

                “Oh clown, oh clown, oh motherfucking messiahs...” he chanted.

 

                He pressed the release button and Equius collapsed. Gamzee turned him over, pulled off the gag and not even checking to see if he was alive he gave him the kiss of life. Luckily, he was alive. He wheezed and coughed and started panting. Gamzee pulled at his hair.

 

                “Oh shit I’m so sorry, shit, I’m so sorry, bro,” he rambled.

 

                Equius sat up and held his hand to his chest. He shot Gamzee a look.

               

                He croaked, “Don’t apologize.”

 

                Gamzee fell down to the floor. He held his knees to his chest.

 

                “I gotta, cause I fucked things up,” he said, “Wish you weren’t so fucking thick to see that.”

 

                Moments passed until Equius fully caught his breath. He looked over at Gamzee.

 

                “Um, sir? Did you really mean it when you...said those things?”  he asked as he played with his wet hair.

 

                “Oh? Nah, course not! How the hell could I kill the Empress, I’d be bleeding from all my orifices before I could start!”

 

                “I meant...”

 

                “Or you.” He sighed. “But I do love Tavros so much it’s a motherfucking blasphemy. You know how I deal with him doing pr0n?”

 

                “No sir.”

 

                “I don’t.” He groaned and clenched his head. “I just can’t fucking deal with it anymore! Maybe I’m the one who needs a moirail, not Tavros.”

 

                “It is highly improper for you to tell me these things. You should hold such feeling jams with your moirail.”

 

                “Feeling jams, hah! Need me some fucking jam right now, sopor jam.” He uncaptchalogued a pie and started eating it. Equius cringed as if Gamzee was just doing it to torture him. “Told Tavros I’d only do one pie a night, he’d be pissed to hear I’m carrying them around. But he don’t know how bad I need them, how fucked up I’d be without them. I’d be like...” He pointed an accusing finger at Equius. “Like the way I am with you, like I just was! You make me go crazy, when I see that dumbass face of yours.”

 

                “You mean I make you act like the Highblood instead of a stupefied half-wit.”

 

                Gamzee smiled lovingly. “That what I hate about you. You got crazy stupid ideas about blood. You think I should act in a way I don’t like, that don’t feel good, just cause it makes you moist!”

 

                “Speaking of that, sir, I, I would like to continue.”

 

                Gamzee looked at Equius’ crotch. “Shit, you’re still on after that? What woulda happened if I killed you? You’d pail?” He uncaptchalogued another pie and sprawled out. “Sorry, moment over, just ain’t feeling it anymore. Gonna get sopored instead.”

 

                Equius groaned with disappointment. He clenched his eyes and willed his erection away. He then got off the platform, walked over to the wall, and got a towel off a hook. He wiped himself down and got dressed. He put back on his glasses and looked at Gamzee. He was now lying on the floor with a pie tin on his chest.

 

                “Just gonna swim through the stuff,” he said, “Gonna get myself drowned. Eat a whole lot, whole lotta pies.”

 

                Equius decided to take a chance before the druggee went totally out of it. “What you said about Karkat...is he really a mutant?”

 

                Gamzee lifted his head up. “Karkat’s my best friend,” he said as if that answered the question.

 

                “Yes, yes he is.”

 

                Gamzee got up, letting the pie tins slid off his shirt, and walked to the door. He slapped the door open button.

 

                “I’m goin’ to your respiteblock, gotta get me some more.” He left Equius alone.

 

                Equius growled to himself. If Gamzee ate anymore, he’d have to induce vomiting. At his rate, he was in danger of overdose. How did that brownblood even deal with him?

 

                He pondered what Gamzee said about Karkat. He couldn’t believe it. It had to be a hallucination. Bright red blood was a medical impossibility. Even if he could accept that such blood existed, how could the Highblood remain friends with such an disgusting outcaste? Judging by some of his rants he knew about the hemospectrum. Yet it also made sense. He’d always suspected Karkat was hiding something terrible behind his gray. It could all be true. Equius wondered what he would do if it was true. He couldn’t inform the Empire without breaking his confidence with the Highblood. He also couldn’t let the redblood live. He had to deal with this problem somehow.

 

                He wondered if it would break the rules of their kismesisitude if he killed Karkat. After all, Gamzee never told him not to, and besides, Karkat wasn’t in Gamzee’s quadrant, so he wasn’t off limits.

Perhaps he could rid Gamzee of this troublesome mutant.

 

                Equius toweled himself off again.


	6. Chapter 6

Even Karkat knew when it was time to stop being a douchebag and that time was now. He’d been avoiding Tavros for more than two moon segments. Tavros had messaged him every way possible. The poor boy had even called his barrack. Man, was that embarrassing. His fellow soldiers made fun of him for that, insistently asking him “what quadrant, what quadrant?”. At least they didn’t know what Tavros Nitram’s job was. He would have gone so red he would have been spotted as mutant before dying of an aneurysm. It probably felt embarrassing to Tavros too. He had to end this silly game.

 

But what would his answer be? His fear told him to say no. Being quadrant buddies with Gamzee scared him. Who would have thought his oldest friend could be so psycho? No, there were warning signs. He had an edge to him, buried under sopor slime and shitty clown makeup. There was a sense of nervousness in his frenzy, like at any minute his excitement might spill over into something dangerous. His loyalty, to his friends and his religion, had a sad touch of neediness. Sometimes his eyes looked at him like he was prey. Plus, he was a fucking indigoblood! Even without any symptoms that should have been a huge clue. His Ancestor probably would have killed him the moment he walked into the hive.

 

If he survived Gamzee, there still was the matter of surviving everything else. His nights were numbered. His blood color would be found out eventually. How could he fulfill his promise to give Tavros a better life if his own life was in danger? How did he even expect to help Tavros out at all? He had no plan and no skills to make a plan. He was less useful than Gamzee. Accepting the moirallegiance would just mean disappointing and even endangering Tavros.

 

But he couldn’t give up his love of Tavros. What sort of romance would it be if he just gave up in the first act?  The hero isn’t suppose to give up, even under threat of culling. When they find their true loves they plow through musclebeasts and rainbow drinkers to get to them. The only thing in his way was a clown, an acting studio, and also a curse that could lead to the death of everyone he knew. No, he couldn’t give up.

 

He looked at the heartfelt letter in anonymous black Tavros had couriered him. It wasn’t all bad. Tavros was certainly loyal. He could at least make his life a little better. Get him better jobs. Get his matesprit a moirail so he’ll be a little less psycho (maybe Terezi?). Get him to stop playing games for girls. And Tavros could help calm him down, though right now he just made him feel nervous.

Karkat took out his husktop.

 

* * *

 

Tavros lay on his back in only a shirt and briefs. Equius was squatting over his legs, adjusting the bonds around his waist. Gamzee was in the corner of their respiteblock, not really watching as Equius worked on Tavros’ robotic braces.

 

Tavros rolled his head back as far as he could and sighed. He hated when his matesprit’s kismesis visited, when he came to fix and maintain the robotic braces he invented and built.  When he was there he never talked to Tavros. He directed all his questions to Gamzee, even the ones about how Tavros felt. Tavros would tell Gamzee the answers, and Gamzee would repeat it to Equius. Even Tavros being half-naked didn’t make Equius react. He didn’t sweat at all, though he was a little flustered when Gamzee straight up told him they discovered the problem during sex. It was if Tavros was just a robot. Just a concupiscent robot.

 

There was a beep from Tavros’ husktop and Tavros just knowing it was something good took it out and put it on his chest. It was a new email from Karkat! He read it quickly and then yelled,

 

“Karkat replied!”

 

Gamzee dropped the beanbags he’d been juggling and looked over at Tavros. Equius stopped working on the braces and looked up at Tavros like he just realized Tavros was in the block. He slowly moved off of him. Tavros slide the husktop down and sat up.  Gamzee came over and sat next to him as Tavros read out loud from the maroon text:

 

                “’First off,’ he says, this is him writing, ‘I want to apologize, for blowing you off. I was busy with things, I’d rather not talk about. It still was an asshole move on my part, and I wouldn’t be surprised, if you want to blow me off.’ Isn’t it nice he apologized? Wow, sometimes he can be not rude. He goes on, ‘Now that that shit is off the table, I’m fucking thrilled you accepted, and I’m not being sarcastic. I seconded your acceptance, and I will be your moirail. I’m not going to get all, uhh, soppy in an email, but trust me, my blood-pumping organ is feeling all the things it should feel, and I pray to God hope your organ is the same, and you aren’t just doing this, because you feel you have to. I’m a grown troll, I’m not going to cull myself over it like a drama empress. Anyway, I swear, I will be the best moirail I can, but I have to warn you, that might not mean much. I may have let my protein chute, expand to unreasonable sizes. But I will try to make your life a little less hellish, try to argue for you to the Empire, lend an auditory organ, give you one of those, uhh, muscle jobs, because your shoulders must be made of knots by this point. This will be a long-distance relationship, which mean less, uhh, muscle jobs, but I will come over as soon as I can, but this time, I’ll actually tell you, instead of barging in, so Gamzee won’t make another damn cherry pie for desert. Speaking of your matesprit, does he have a moirail? Uhh, confidential, uhh, I think he needs one. I’m thinking Terezi, because she’s had lusus problems too, and she’s gotten over her, uhh, damn abandonment issues, plus, she can actually stand his,’ he writes, ‘his goofy-ass clown bullshit. He needs a moirail soon...” Tavros stopped reading, “And uhh, well, he says, ‘I hope you reply, quicker than I did. When you do I’ll try to get my shit together and get to your planet for, uhh, a feeling jam, in those stupid gaming plushies, of yours. Diamond sign, Karkat Vantas.’”

 

Tavros turned to Gamzee, his face blushed from all the romance.

 

“He wants me! He really wants me!” His smile turned to a frown. “Do you still hate him?”

 

“He’s my best friend,” Gamzee replied.

 

Equius, who had been listening in, shuddered.

 

Gamzee added, “But, yeah, I still hate the motherfucker. But it ain’t waxen and it won’t be ashen. Unless the fucker breaks your fucking heart.”

 

“He won’t! Oh god, I need to reply.” He started typing rapidly.

 

Equius got up while they were distracted and excuse himself to go to the food preparation unit to get himself a drink. When the door was shut beside him he shuddered. To think that Gamzee was willing to be so close to that mutant. It was bad enough that he was matesprits with a brownblood. (Secretly, he could even understand it. He had harbored a secret passion for a maroonblood, until she died tragically at only 5). But at least Nitram was not a criminal. What would happen if Karkat was found out? What was he planning in the first place? Was he using Tavros to get closer to the Highblood? He seemed too interested in his moirail’s matesprit. Did he plan on forcing the Highblood to protect him? Equius needed to monitor this situation.

 

He took out a couple listening devices he’d made earlier. He planted one in the landline phone in the food preparation unit and one in the undignified Pupa Pan lantern above the table in the main block. He had planted one earlier in the closet. It was very romantic. He’d never gotten the chance to spy on his kismesis. They had never played those meowbeast-and-squeakbeast games before. It seemed a little unnecessary, though, since apparently the couple was willing enough to share personal emails with outsiders. Still, this way he could learn about new developments to the case. He would secretly stay on this planet and rent a place in the next building so he could stalk his kismesis. Something needed to happen soon. His bosses wouldn’t let him extend the vacation too long.

 

He downed a glass of moobeast milk so his excuse would look valid and went back into the respiteblock. Gamzee’s matesprit was typing on his husktop as he talked to Gamzee about what Terezi was up to. Equius cleared his throat and Gamzee looked up, a bit startled.

 

“Huh? What is it?” he asked.

 

Equius knelt down beside Tavros, across from Gamzee.

 

“I need to do a little more work, but I’ll tell you what the main problem is: the control chip has lost some of its sensitivity, you see...”

 

He continued to explain it to Gamzee, though Tavros could understand it much better than Gamzee. Tavros was actually pretty interested in technology, especially the technology that helped him out. He even figured out that on that occasion his psychic impulses were not picked up as well because he was, well, distracted. But the blueblood again was literally talking over his head, up on his knees above Tavros’ head. Tavros hated him sometimes almost as much as Gamzee.

 

At least he was getting out of work. At work he met fellow performers who were as arrogant and disdainful as Equius without having any of his reasons. But he was tired of even the nicest performers. He didn’t want to think what his next job would be.

 

But he had Karkat now. He had someone he could talk to. He needed a friend other than his poor beleaguered matesprit. And he still truly believed that Karkat could actually move his case along. If Karkat was good at anything it was arguing and of course he had Terezi with him. She could help them. As he told his matesprit Tavros also thought that she was a good match, though he wondered why Karkat thought Gamzee needed a moirail right away. He was very laid-back even though he was cutting down on the sopor slime. Guy wasn’t violent at all.

 

Equius finished his work and got up. He walked to the door and then turned to stare at Gamzee. They stared at each other for a minute. Gamzee finally realized what he was suppose to do. He got up, strolled over to his kismesis, and gave him a goodbye bite on his neck. Equius groaned with frustration. He hadn’t managed to have sex yet with his kismesis and his coldness was killing him. If he went home, he could have sex with his big-horned blueblood girlfriend but he wasn’t in the mood for even her rough red sex. That oversexed brownblood didn’t know how good he had it.

 

Equius left. Tavros looked at Gamzee.

 

“Let’s go to the beach! I want to test out my legs.” he cried.

 

“Cool idea, bro. Let’s go to the boardwalk, I want to win you big old plushie at the archery booths.”

 

“Make it a Horseroni one!”

 

Tavros got dressed and they left immediately for the excursion.

 

* * *

 

Karkat read the email and gave a rare smile. Things were actually looking up for a change. He suddenly got another email from Sollux. It simply said, “we need two talk, 1800 regular place”. Karkat knew what that meant.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the way, trolls in this AU don't have blood colored eyes because that's too complicated.

Karkat entered the filthy block in the unlicensed lodge after making sure no one saw him. He ignored the unused recuperacoon and the overused couch and went to the end table. He cleared it off and pulled up a stool. On the small table he put down his husktop and a Ouija board. He turned on the computer, set up his webcam, and knocked on the wall three times.

 

This cloak-and-dagger game was the only way he could talk secretly with Sollux. Sollux would use his psionic powers to move the plancette from the next block. In turn Karkat wrote his replies, in a code determined by Sollux at the beginning of the session, and held it up to the webcam. They did this very rarely, since despite all that subterfuge there was still a risk of being caught. Karkat sometimes felt the only reason they hadn’t been caught was the Empire didn’t give a fuck about them.

 

\--

 

The conversation they had that morning translated as followed:

 

-  got iin okay?

 

\- YES, NO ONE FOLLOWED ME. THEY DIDN’T EVEN CARE WHEN I LEFT THE BASE.

 

\- good. thii2 ii2 2ome 2eriious 2hiit iim layiing out. ii have what may be the 2olution two all your problems.

 

\- WHAT? ANOTHER SECRET MISSION?

 

\- 2ort of, but thii2 ii2 kind of a real mii22iion. are you ready two hear thii2?

 

\- YES, OF COURSE I AM.

 

-  there ii2 thii2 unconquered planet at the far reache2 of the empiire. iill 2end you the exact locatiion later but iit2 off the track of the Empre22’2 pu2h through the galaxy. the briief 2urvey2  determiined iit ha2 negiible miineral re2ource2 and liitle farmiing land. mo2t of iit iis desert, 2o iit2 been labeled Priority F.  iit2 2o ob2ure iit doe2nt have a name ju2t a de2ignation, “Planet 24601AA”.

 

\- THAT’S NICE, WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?

 

\- you are goiing two liive there.

 

-  WHAT? ALL ALONE ON THAT HELLHOLE?

 

\- iim not goiing two make any promii2e2 but iit miight not have two be alone. do you know anyone el2e who2 on the empiire2 2hiit lii2t who can stand liiviing the re2t of theiir liife wiith you?

 

\- AS A MATTER OF FACT I DO ACTUALLY HAVE SOMEONE SPECIAL. I JUST GOT MY PALE QUADRANT FILLED AND I WANT TO BRING HIM ALONG.

 

\- who?

 

\- YOU KNOW HIM, IT’S TAVROS NITRAM.

 

\- when ii a2ked who you wanted two briing along ii meant a 2uper-2trong hunter, not the liitle criippled boy who criie2 when he 2ee2 a hurt aniimal. are you really 2ure?

 

\- SURE I’M FUCKING SURE. HE’S MY MOIRAIL. IF YOU WERE IN MY SITUATION YOU’D BRING LITHIA WITH YOU, WOULD YOU?

 

\- okay, ye2, but 2he’2 a powerful p2iioniic.

 

\- TAVROS HAS PSYCHIC POWERS TOO. SURE IT’S THE CRUMMIEST ONE OF THE LOT BUT IT’S GOING TO BE USEFUL IN THE WILDERNESS. BESIDES, I’M THINKING OF BRINGING SOMEONE ELSE TOO.

 

-  who, your deaf dumb and bliind kii2me2ii2?

 

\- NO, MORON, MY QUADRANT BUDDY, GAMZEE MAKARA. HE’S A PACKAGE DEAL WITH TAVROS AND BESIDES HE MIGHT DESPITE ALL EVIDENCE OTHERWISE BE A GOOD FIGHTER.

 

\- the 2toner?

 

\- HE’S A HIGHBLOOD, THEY’RE ALL STRONG. BESIDES HE’S DONE

 

\- done what?

 

\- DO YOU KNOW HOW HIGHBLOODS ARE MORE HIGH-STRUNG?

 

\- he2 more hiigh than hiigh2trung.

 

\- I THINK HE COULD USE A MOIRAIL. IS TEREZI AVAILABLE?

 

\- one, you are never goiing two get back wiith her after what you 2aiid about her and vrii2ka, and two, you cant bring everyone along wiith you. thii2 planet ii2 already two crowded.

 

\- OKAY, OKAY, MAYBE HE CAN DEAL, AS LONG AS HE HAS HIS SOPOR SLIME AND HIS TAVROS.

 

\- are you 2ure tavro2’ moiiraiil iis you and not gamzee?

 

\- I DON’T TELL YOU HOW TO RUN YOUR ROMANTIC LIFE.

 

\- actually you do, liike all the tiime.

 

\- AND IT’S WORKED OUT FOR YOU. I INTRODUCED YOU TO LITHIA AND I’VE PRACTICALLY BEEN CO-MOIRAILS WITH HER FOR AGES.

 

\- yeah, and 2he 2ay2 hii and al2o fuck you for beiing a troll-2tealer.

 

\- IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU NEED DOUBLE EVERYTHING. LET’S GET BACK TO OPERATION PLANET HELLHOLE. HOW THE FUCK WILL I GET THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE WITHOUT BECOMING A FUGITIVE?

 

\- another 2ecret mii22iion, thii2 tiime two 2urvey the place, but when you get there you wiill “cra2h” the 2huttle. iin realiity iim goiing two hack the black box to report the 2huttle blew up iin the atmo2phere. the empiire wiill thiink you are dead and they wont bother you anymore.

 

\- WHAT ABOUT GAMZEE AND TAVROS?

 

\- fuck, that2 goiing two be tough. miight ju2t have two get them two u2e theiir leave. are you 2ure you want two briing them along?

 

\- NOT SURE ABOUT GAMZEE BUT FUCK, MAYBE HIS BLOOD WILL HELP US OUT. AN INDIGOBLOOD CAN DO ANYTHING HE LIKES IN THIS STUPID EMPIRE.

 

\- not really, there are liimiit2. thii2 2ecret mii22iion 2hiit ii2 goiing two be 2o hard.

 

\- DON’T YOU ALWAYS BRAG ABOUT HOW EASY IT IS TO SEND ME ON THESE MISSIONS, HOW EASY IT IS TO MAKE SOMETHING CLASSIFIED BECOMES PEOPLE ASSUME A HACKER WOULD TRY TO UNCLASSIFY SOMETHING, HOW ALL THE OFFICERS CAN BARELY WRITE A “HELLO WORLD” PROGRAM?

 

\- you 2hould know by now ii contradiict my2elf all the tiime. iit2 both really ea2y and really hard. ii hope you appreciiate all my effort2 over the 2weep2.

 

\- YOU OWE ME. IF I HADN’T HELPED YOU FAIL THE HELMSMAN TEST YOU WOULD BE WELDED TO A FREIGHTER BY NOW INSTEAD OF HAVING A DESK JOB. PLUS THE WHOLE LITHIA THING.

 

\- ii probably could have fiigured that out on my own, and ii2nt fiindiing your moiiraiil fate?

 

\- I GAVE THE GODDESS FATE A BIG HAND BY BEING YOUR WINGMAN.

 

\- fuck iit, iit2 friiend2hiip. we are 2tiill friiend2, no matter how biig a fuckiing burden you are.

 

\- ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME CRY AND SAY HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND WE’LL HAVE A PSYCHIC FIST-BUMP THROUGH THIS SHIT-STAINED WALL? BECAUSE YES, WE ARE FRIENDS.

 

\- iim ju2t thiinkiing about how iill fiinally get you out of my horns.

 

\- AND I’M THINKING ABOUT HOW GREAT IT WILL BE TO NEVER SEE ALL THE NOOKSNIFFERS I’M FORCED TO DEAL WITH EVERY NIGHT.

 

\- iim 2endiing you a coded fiile wiith the detaiil2. dont blow iit up or 2omethiing.

 

\- I DO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT CODE AFTER ALL THE TIME I’VE SPENT DEALING WITH YOU. OKAY, I GOT IT.

 

\- get your 2hiit ready and well talk iin three niight2. iit wiill have to be by chat 2o well u2e Code S. tiime for me two go, iim leaviing fiirst thiis tiime, waiit thiirty miinutes. iit wiill giive you 2ome tiime two thiink thiing2 over. bye, KK.

 

Karkat turned off his webcam and softly whispered, “Bye, Sollux.” He then sat and thought about things.


	8. Chapter 8

Karkat banged on the doorbell like he was trying to send out a desperate telegraph. He then paused for a moment when he realized neither Gamzee and Tavros were likely to leap up to answer the door. His impatience was actually rewarded though when Tavros opened the door.

 

“Karkat?” Tavros exclaimed.

 

Karkat answered with just as much surprise, “You’re home? It’s the middle of the fucking night!”

 

“I’m between projects. Wait, why would you ring the doorbell if you thought no one would be home?”

 

“Just forget about it, okay? This is important.”

 

He almost pushed Tavros out of the way before he decided that was too crass even for him. Tavros sensed this and stepped back. Karkat stomped into the block and turned around sharply.

 

“Close the goddamn door, I don’t want the neighbors to hear this!”

 

Tavros went wide-eyed but closed the door and for extra measure locked it.

 

“What is, uhh, this?” he asked.

 

Karkat ignored him and flipped over the table.

 

“What are you doing!” Tavros shouted.

 

“Looking for bugs,” Karkat answered as he examined the bottom, “Oh, what am I thinking of, nobody’s going to bug you two unless there’s an empire-wide shortage of bad rap.”

 

He flipped the table back over and flopped down. Tavros sat down across from him. He frowned at Karkat’s boots but he figured now wasn’t the time to bring it up.

 

“So, what do you want?” he asked. He frowned deeply. “Is this about our moirallegiance?”

 

Karkat grabbed his hands. He looked deeply into Tavros’ eyes. “I am not breaking up with you, I do want like hell to be your moirail.”

 

Tavros smiled. “That’s good to know! So, uhh, are we going to go on a date now? Because there’s this nice place where they serve...”

 

“I’m not here for a fucking date! Do you think I would burst in unannounced if it wasn’t important?”

 

“You seem to burst into places, uhh, a lot.”

 

“And sorry for this time but I couldn’t give you advanced notice and when you hear me you’ll know why.”

 

Karkat let go of Tavros’ hands, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He opened them again.

 

“I have to leave the Empire,” he said.

 

“Where and for how long?”

 

“Some unnamed planet and forever.”

 

“What, you’re leaving me?! But, but, we just got into this relationship, uhh...”

 

“Fuck, shit, that’s not what I meant, I’m taking you along with me.”

 

Tavros looked at him quizzically. “So, I would have to leave the Empire forever? I’m, uhh, I’m not sure I want to do that.”

 

“Why the fuck not? The Empire is a horrible mass of metaphorical and real rape-tentacles and all us peasantbloods are just fucking oysters ready to have our juices sucked out.”

 

“Uhh, yeah, it’s not nice but it’s not that bad...”

 

“Don’t you hate your job?”

 

“Of course I do! But, well, shouldn’t there be a solution between, uhh, doing my job, and leaving civilization forever?”

 

“This is the best solution, it solves everything!”

 

“Everything? I mean, you could say it solves my career problems, but, uhh, I still don’t get it, how does it solve everything?”

 

“It solves your ‘career problems’, by which you mean your enforced prostitution, and it solves my even bigger...”

 

Karkat closed his eyes and breathed in and out quickly.

 

Tavros asked, “What, what does it solve? Are you in trouble? Is that why you have to leave the Empire?” He pulled back. “Did you do something bad?”

 

Karkat opened his eyes. “No, I didn’t do anything wrong! I mean, fuck, it wasn’t something I did, as much as something I am, and something can’t change.”

 

“What are you?”

 

A long pause.

 

“I am a redblood.”

 

Tavros shook his head. “No, you’re a maroonblood. Red is just a, uhh, rude term.”

 

Karkat growled, “I don’t mean I’m a maroonblood, I don’t mean I just have reddish blood, my blood is completely red.”

 

Tavros repeated, “No, you’re a maroonblood!”

 

“No, I am not a maroonblood, I would be absolutely thrilled out of my think pan if I was a maroonblood, but I have red blood.”  

 

“No, you’re a maroonblood! A maroonblood!” He pointed at Karkat’s symbol. “It’s on your chest you’re a maroonblood!”

 

“The chest is damn lie! It’s just a big a lie as my old gray! I have been lying my ass off all this time! Don’t you get it I am an outcaste!”

 

“No you’re just bottom caste you’re a maroonblood! You’re a maroonblood!”

 

Tavros started crying brown.

 

“You’re a maroonblood a maroonblood you have to be a maroonblood you just have to be a maroonblood!”

 

He grew more and more hysterical, repeating “maroonblood” over and over while Karkat yelled over him.

 

“You hornskulled rustfaced moron I am not a maroonblood! I am a goddamn cherry-bright red blood! Do I have to cut my wrists right here and now?” 

 

But Tavros kept crying and chanting. So Karkat pulled his hand back and slapped Tavros in the face. Tavros responded by shoving Karkat back so hard Karkat was left sprawling on the floor. Karkat sat up, rubbed the back of his head, and looked at Tavros. He was still crying. Damnit, thought Karkat, slapping someone out of it always worked in the movies.

 

Karkat was afraid to give him a gentle pap lest the sensitive troll attacked him again. Luckily, after a minute Tavros calmed himself down. He started hiccupping instead.

 

“So, uhh, you have...” He hiccupped. “You have red blood.”

 

“You aren’t disgusted?”

 

“No, no, I mean, red is a very pretty color, I like it, and my blood isn’t very pretty.” He hiccupped. “I think, I should have guessed you had, uhh, strange blood,” he said and hiccupped again, “What with the anonymous gray and the greenblood hive and you ending up as a maroonblood. But you kept it very well hidden, which I guess you had to.”

 

“Sollux is the only other person who knows. Thank god he’s got a hard-on for red. He’s the one who’s helped me survive all these sweeps.”

 

“You are very brave, I admire that.”

 

“I’m more lucky than brave. If I was brave I would be fighting against the Empire instead of running away.”

 

“You could have always stayed on Alternia, with Feferi.”

 

“What, and live underwater? Besides, she has enough problems as it is. Plus, I had too much goddamn ambition to stay out of service. I used to think one night I’d show my incredible valor and nobody would care that I’m a filthy mutant. But instead I’m going to run away to a desert planet.”

 

“I don’t think it will be that bad, living on our own planet. I always liked the countryside. It will be nice and quiet living out there with me and you, and Gamzee.”

 

Karkat suddenly thought about Gamzee. Even though he had asked Sollux to arrange things for Gamzee, he was having serious reservation. Should he really bring a psychotic murderer with him? Should he leave his moirail with such a dangerous matesprit?

 

Now that he had revealed his secret he wondered if he should reveal Gamzee’s secrets. He had seen movies like this where the hero tells their moirail how horrible their matesprit really is. Though at first there was tears and denial eventually the hero would win over their moirail and the moirail would either dump their matesprit or flip black. Yet in the movies the matesprit was always abusive. He saw no evidence that Gamzee treated Tavros black. They were in fact a sickeningly sweet flushed couple.

 

 “How are things with Gamzee?” Karkat asked.

 

“Huh? Oh, great! We had some problems earlier, uhh, on couch, because of my job, and the stress that went with it, but after you proposed we started having sex again.”

 

“Ahh, well, yeah.”

 

“He is a little upset at you, but I think that will pass after he sees how well you treat me, and you’ll be friends again.”

 

“Is he usually jealous?”

 

“What? No! How could he stay jealous after all this time? There is the matter of my kismesises, he’s never liked them, but they are pretty hateable.”

 

“Does he ever yell at you?”

 

“Are we talking about the same Gamzee? I don’t think I’ve ever heard him yell. Shouldn’t we talk about this plan?”

 

“Oh yeah, we should. There is a lot of shit going into this plan.”

 

Karkat took out his laptop and showed him Sollux’s file: the surveys of Planet 24601AA, pictures of the shuttle they would take, and the suggested itinerary. Tavros offered advice on how they would survive on the planet. He talked about Nepeta and Kanaya and then he brought up Aradia’s camping experience and the conversation turned sad.

 

“I used to have much more friends, back when I was a wriggler,” he said, “but with Aradia being, uhh, with the Ancestors, and the rest being stationed so far away, and me being too ashamed to keep in touch, I really only have Gamzee.” Tavros then smiled. “But I guess I have you too!”

 

He opened his arms out. Karkat went to the side of the table and awkwardly side hugged him.

 

“Can we cuddle?” Tavros asked.

 

“O..okay,” Karkat answered.

 

He pushed the table away and went over to Tavros’ side. He put his arm around his moirail. He noticed then that Tavros was a little taller than him. Tavros scooted down and laid his big horned head on Karkat’s chest.

 

“You’re so warm...” he cooed.

 

“Not that warm, I would have definitely been culled if it was that easy to tell,” Karkat replied with a little annoyance.

 

“I know, it’s more of a rule of thumb, I’ve noticed that with...” Tavros paused. “I mean, Gamzee is pretty cold, because he’s a highblood, but at least he isn’t a seatroll. I hear they’re ice-cold. Uhh, not that I’ve ever been with one.

 

“It’s hard, being with a highblood. People don’t understand. They see us together and they think I’m just a fluorite-digger, and they don’t understand that I really do love him. I never think of him as a highblood. He never acts like an aristocrat, and he doesn’t treat me like a peasant. We’re equals. But, there is still that gap between us. He grew up with a huge allowance and even though now he’s poor, well, relatively poor, people bend over backwards for him and even purplebloods treat him with respect.

 

“And maybe I am a fluorite-digger, because, I’m using his position. He risks his place in the Empire for me, and in return, I cheat on him. And not even unwillingly, not completely that is. It would be easier to take if I needed to take something, but, I can still feel lust, red lust, for other trolls. Sometimes I don’t even think about Gamzee.

 

“You probably think, uhh, that I’m some sort of, uhh, slut.”

 

Karkat answered, “No, this isn’t your fault at all, and stop burying yourself in that pile of shit. You are just a healthy young troll...with a healthy appetite.”

 

“Thank you, moirail.”

 

Tavros took Karkat’s left arm and put it around his waist. Karkat felt Tavros’ stomach rise and fall. It was soft with fat but not large. It seemed to be the only part of his upper body that wasn’t muscular. Karkat could feel his powerful back muscles laying against his stomach, and his huge forearm pushing his arm in.

 

“Do you work out a lot?” Karkat asked and immediately wanted to hit his forehead at how much it sounded like a flushed advance.

 

Tavros didn’t seem to notice, and he answered, “Yeah, I go to the Gymnasium every other night.”

 

“Good, good, it’s good that you’re healthy. Other than the paralysis.”

 

“But it’s weird, Gamzee is still stronger than me, even though he doesn’t work out.”

 

“Yeah, weird.”

 

As if on cue Gamzee threw opened up the door.

 

“Hey bro!” he greeted as he slipped out of his shoes.

 

“Hey Gamzee!” Tavros answered back.

 

Gamzee looked down at the palemates. Karkat studied his face. He wasn’t angry like Karkat was afraid the jealous troll would be, but he didn’t seem as happy as one would expect him to be from seeing his matesprit.

 

“What’s going on here?” he asked.

 

Tavros pushed his self off of Karkat’s lap with his arms in a practiced move.

 

“My moirail came to visit because he has a plan for us!”

 

“What’s his plan?”

 

“We’re going to this uninhabited planet, we can be safe there, no one will go there, and it’s got lots of deserts, but it also has lots of beaches, and we can all live together, me and you and Karkat!”

 

Gamzee walked over to the table.

 

“Let me see this shit,” he said as he grabbed the papers.

 

He looked over it seemed all the papers at once, turning them over, dropping a few, without sitting, for five minutes. He then looked up.

 

Tavros asked expectantly, “Do you approve the plan?”

 

Gamzee stared at Karkat. In sweeps past Karkat would have interpreted his face as stoned vacantness. Now he wasn’t sure. After what seemed like another five minutes Gamzee answered:

 

“Eeyup.”

 

“Oh good!” Tavros cried.

 

Gamzee stopped looking at Karkat and kneeled down at Tavros’ left side. He gave him a big sloppy kiss. Karkat scooted away as the kiss lasted longer than he was comfortable with. When it was done Tavros turned his head towards Karkat.

 

“Sorry,” he said, “we aren’t used to having someone else around.”

 

“Yeah,” Karkat said, “Gamzee, why the fuck are you home now?”

 

“It’s 1500 hours, ain’t it?” Gamzee took out pocket watch with a purple smiley face on it. “Yup, it is.”

 

“Wow,” said Tavros, turn to Karkat, “We sure talked a long time.”

 

“He gets off in the middle of the mid-aftermidnight?  What sort of bulge-pumping work does he have? I don’t get off till practically noon!”

 

“I’m an assistant,” Gamzee replied as if that explained everything. 

 

“Karkat, could you stay over today?” Tavros asked.

 

“That actually was my plan. Leaves less of a paper trail that way,” Karkat answered.

 

“Do you have a cocoonbag?”

 

“Yes, I thought of that.” Karkat turned to Gamzee. “And don’t you dare fucking eat it!”

 

Gamzee said, “Nah, I already had enough sopor slime tonight.”

 

“I hope you didn’t have too much,” Tavros nagged.

 

Karkat nodded even though he’d preferred it if Gamzee was high.

 

Tavros stood up. “I’ll go gets some board games,” he said.

 

“And I’m gonna get us some munchies,” Gamzee said.

 

Tavros left for the respiteblock. Gamzee then stood up and started to the food-preparation block. Midway he turned around and looked at Karkat.

 

“Oh, and Karkat?” he said, “Take off those damn boots, you’re getting shit all over the carpet.”    

 

**

 

Equius studied the read-out from the stenograph machine. He had spent five nights in this empty rented unit with only his audio equipment and his thoughts to keep him company. He listened on his headphones as he watched the stenograph machine type up a crude transcript of the action. Except for the first day, when he heard the brownblood giving Makara...certain pleasures, it had mostly been inane conversation. The whole boring experience hadn’t been as romantic as he thought. He didn’t feel any closer his kismesis. Less so, even, now that he knew his kismesis was much more enthusiastic with his matesprit. It had suddenly paid off now with Vantas’ unscheduled arrival. He gave Equius all he wanted and more. Equius sweated when he heard Vantas search for bugs but the darn fool didn’t look very hard. One would think an outlaw like him would be more suspicious, but obviously he lacked highblood guile.

 

The machine cut the paper for him and Equius took it with his damp hands. So not only was Vantas a mutant, he was planning on running away and taking the Highblood with him. He was just compounding his crimes and his crimes were already filthy! Equius didn’t know why Makara seemed to be going along with it. He would have suspected that he was just pretending and planning to double-cross the mutant by turning him in if it was someone other than Makara. Whatever the stoner’s plans were, Equius was going to confront him and help him turn the mutant in.

 

 

**

 

Karkat was sleeping in his cocoonbag on the floor of the main block when Gamzee ruffled his hair.

 

“Hey, hey, hey bro,” he whispered.

 

Karkat woke up. “What?” he almost shouted.

 

“You brought us our own Paradise Planet, like you were sent by the Mirthful Messiahs, so we cool now.”

 

“Yes, you’re welcome, now let me go back to sleep.”

 

He shut his eyes but Gamzee shook him awake again.

 

“But don’t think I’ll always be cool with you,” he said, “I wasn’t cool with you before, I was really angry, killing you angry, but I didn’t do anything because we are best friends. But you won Tavros over and you won me over so we cool now. But you can’t win all the time. You can lose me and you’ll lose Tavros. If you hurt him, I will fucking kill you.”

 

Karkat’s mouth opened but he didn’t say anything.

 

Gamzee continued, “Yes, I will watch the shit out of you, I’ll watch yo mouth and if you dirty-talk him I will sew it shut, I will watch at yo hands and if they’re down his pants I will chop them off, and I will watch at your junk and, yeah, you know the deal. But if you don’t do any bad shit we can have ourselves a good time and live all happily ever after in paradise.” He ruffled Karkat’s hair again. “Good day, bro.”

 

He picked himself off the floor and ambled to the respiteblock. Karkat laid wondering if that was just very mild daymare caused by a faulty cocoonbag. The speech was backwards. Shouldn’t he be the one telling someone not to hurt his moirail?

 

Karkat shook off his residual fear and went back to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Karkat stood by the Cinnamon Sticky Bun Stand in the Tannhauser Spaceport (why did spaceports always have Cinnamon Sticky Bun Stands?)  wearing a trench coat. He had left Tavros’ and Gamzee’s hive two hours before them after spending three nights there. They didn’t want to be seen together till they reached the spaceport. It was another one of the probably pointless cloak-and-dagger tricks they had agreed one. Another one was the trench coat. Karkat took off the trench coat and threw it in a waste bin. Underneath he was wearing his infragtry uniform. They had all decided to wear their uniforms in the hopes it would make this mission look more official, though it would be hard for anyone to figure out what mission an actor, a bureaucrat, and a common soldier could carry out together. Perhaps the confusion might help them. They were just pulling out any trick they could think of at this point.

 

Karkat saw Gamzee and Tavros coming through the crowd. Everyone was giving the highblood a wide berth, so he could see them easily. He had never seen their uniforms, since they always took them off before coming home, and he was surprised by what he saw. Tavros was wearing a standard Film Corp uniform (black turtleneck, black leggings, and a beret) and though he knew that pr0n films came under their jurisdiction, he still found it odd to see Tavros dressed like one of his favorite celebrity. He had no idea what a member of the Ministry of Religious Affairs wore and he was surprised by what it turned out to be. The deputy assistant wore a black knee-length tight-fitting high-necked jacket over a long black skirt.

 

“That’s your uniform?” Karkat asked Gamzee when they came over to him.

 

“Yeah,” replied Gamzee, pulling at the jacket, “This jacket thingy is a real bitch, but this skirt feels awesome with the air blowing up in it, makes me feel real cool. Sometimes I don’t wear underwear under it, but they don’t like it even though no one knows. They also don’t like when I take it off outside cause I’m always losing it, like this one time I put it on a railing and a crane took it.” He paused his ramble. “Birds are always taking my stuff.”

 

Karkat looked over at Tavros. “Well, your uniform doesn’t suck. I see from the shoulder you’re Rank 4. That’s was [troll Will Smith’s] rank when he started Thresh Prince!”

 

Tavros smiled humbly. “Well, they start all actors at Rank 2.”

 

“Still pretty damn impressive for a guy who does...” Karkat stopped himself. “Well, your career doesn’t matter anymore.”

 

His eyes went down Tavros. He was glad his turtleneck was long and loose. Tavros was already bringing enough attention to himself with his leg braces.

 

Tavros looked at the stand and changed the subject.

 

“Hey, can I get a bun?”

 

Karkat snapped back. “This isn’t a vacation, we aren’t going to stop for a snack!”

 

“But, but I didn’t have breakfast because I was too nervous, and they didn’t have any food on the elevator, and you can only find these places at spaceports, and they’re really good!”

 

“Yeah,” Gamzee added, “Why can’t my cinnamon brother get a cinnamon bun?”

 

Karkat looked into Tavros’ pleading eyes and sighed. “Okay, you can get one but I’m not paying for it and you’ll have to eat it quick and don’t make a mess.” He turned to Gamzee. “And you couldn’t eat one without ruining that uniform, so no, not even if you paid me for the privilege.”

 

Gamzee looked at Tavros. “That’s okay, I’ll just lick it off of him.”

 

“And that’s another thing!” Karkat yelled, “No lovey-dovey stuff between you two! We don’t want to dodge eye-daggers from your high-low romance.”

 

Tavros wrapped his arm around Karkat’s. “Can we still, be affectionate?”

 

Karkat moved back. “Well, none of us should act like a couple. This is business!”

 

Tavros frowned but moved to stand in line. Gamzee wandered over to a window and stared at it. Karkat, not having anything better to do and wanting to take his mind off of things, joined him.

 

“Wow,” Gamzee said, “Huge amount of miracles in this place, like a million billion miracles. How they get this whole place into the sky?”

 

“Thinking of it as a ‘miracle’ doesn’t make me feel safe. I don’t want to think it’s just god’s whim we aren’t plummeting to the planet.”

 

“But we’re gonna need a lot of miracles tonight.”

 

They stood in silence until Tavros came over with his bun. He ate the bun quickly just like promised, and then took a long time licking his fingers. Gamzee watched Karkat watch Tavros. Karkat looked over at Gamzee looking at him and turned back to Tavros.

 

“If you eat like that you’re going to get so fat your braces will break!”

 

Tavros patted his stomach. “But I’m in good shape, you said so yourself!”

 

Gamzee piped in. “I think you’re damn sexy just the way you is.”

 

With that over, they walked the long way to the private bay (why was your gate always the furthest away?). They got some looks but many people looked away.

 

They went down a small private hallway until they reached a door with the word “Private” printed on it. Karkat typed onto the control panel and the door slide open. Inside the bay was a small shuttle. Around it were various technician doing various things. They turned to look at the trio.

 

“Carry on, bros,” Gamzee said with an aristocratic wave of his hand.

 

The technicians continued. Karkat turned to Gamzee.

 

“When they’re done checking that little scooter they are getting out of here. It’s bad enough they’re here in the first place.”

 

He walked over to a greenblood technician who looked like he was in charge.

 

“Hurry it up and then leave. We don’t care if things aren’t perfect, we just want to get out of this damn glorified indoor commerce cluster.”

 

The greenblood looked up from his clipboard and looked down at it without saying a word. Gamzee walked over to him.

 

“Hey, hurry it up and then leave. We don’t give a fuck about this motherfucking buying-shit-place.”

 

The greenblood nodded frantically, turned to the crew, and gave the “hurry up” sign. It probably would be a good thing if the check wasn’t perfect, since it would make the shuttle disaster more believable, Karkat thought. If the incomplete check didn’t cause a real shuttle disaster, that is.

 

The technicians did finish in an unsettlingly quick time, then hurried out the workers’ entrance. They listened to the steps disappear, and then the trio got into a huddle. Karkat went over the plans the best he could with Gamzee and Tavros distracted by the shuttle. After checking their sylladexes for the few things they could manage to bring, they walked up to the ramp. Suddenly, the sound of metal shoes echoed across the floor and they all turned to see the noise. Tavros let out a whimper, Karkat chirped “JT!” and Gamzee honked as Equius, dressed in a technicians’ jumpsuit, stepped out of a shadow.

 

 “Greetings, Highblüd,” he said.

 

Karkat yelled, “What?! How did he do that?!” He turned to Gamzee. “How the fuck did he do that?!”

 

Gamzee stepped forward. “Hey, people don’t like it when you just stand...and stare.”

 

“I am not here just to stare. This is an important matter and I hope that your pollüted mind can listen to this.”

 

Karkat and Tavros were speechless with fear, but Gamzee simply replied, “Go on.”

 

Equius paused, afraid too of what he was going to say. “I know everything.”

 

“Everything?” Tavros asked.

 

“I know that you are planning an escape from our glorious Empire. I overheard your disgustingly treasonous plans.” He added proudly, “After I implanted my own listening devices in your hive.”

 

“Huh, why would you bug our motherfucking little place?” Gamzee asked, “Not like much happens there.”

 

“I grew suspicious when, during our, ‘session’, you told me that this-“ He pointed at Karkat. “Was a filthy, most uncouth, mutant...redblüd.”

 

Karkat and Tavros looked at Gamzee accusingly.

 

“Whoooa I did?” Gamzee put his hand on his head. “I was so motherfuckin’ high that day.”

 

“Gamzee!” Tavros scolded.

 

Karkat yelled at Gamzee, “You knew all this time?! How long?! How the fuck did you learn that?!”

 

Equius looked Karkat in the eyes for the first time. “Gamzee found out your horrible secret during a moment of weakness, but due to his weakness for you, he harbored you.”

 

“He did...” Karkat said.

 

Equius started, “Sir, Highblüd, know this is not my place as a lower blüd or a kismesis...”

 

“Oh yeah, kismesis,” Gamzee interrupted, “Since I’ll be gone for the duration of, yeah, forever, we ain’t goin’ to be sourspades anymore.”

 

Karkat groaned. This wasn’t the time to sever the bond between them, he thought, when it might keep Equius from doing in his lover.

 

Equius gave a frustrated but resigned sigh. He continued.

 

“But this just goes beyond any bounds! It is too disgusting, even for you, and you are almost as disgusting as -“ He pointed at Karkat. “-as him!”

 

He stepped forward and his face softened. He looked almost pleadingly.

 

“I must admit I understand your pity, as misguided as it is. I once too was shamefully weak for the lowest of the low, but she...” He shook his head. “I found with time I forgot the lowblüd and I’m certain with your bad memory you can forget too.”

 

Tavros looked down sadly.

 

Equius’ face turned angry again. “If you plan to betray them, you should do it now before you become more entangled in this crime.”

 

Gamzee asked, “Are you motherfuckin’ up and tellin’ me what to do?”

 

Equius suddenly realized just what he was saying. He looked horrified.

 

“Neigh, neigh, neigh! I’m...just giving you advice...on the consequences of your actions. I cannot tell you what to do...” He looked stern. “...but I know the most noble path.”

 

“Guess I ain’t gonna change your mind about that path, am I?”

 

Gamzee turned to the others, gave a shrug that said “what can you do?”. He slowly turned back to Equius and looked at him vacantly. Suddenly, his face twisted with pure rage and in a blur his hands shot out around Equius’ neck and pulled him up. Everyone else stood back as Gamzee, shaking with anger, strangled his former kismesis. At first, Equius struggled, but as Gamzee pressed his thumbs into his windpipe, he went limp and his look of horror turned into ecstasy. When Gamzee was satisfied, he dropped the dead body to the floor. Now calm, he looked over the body.

 

“Huh,” he remarked, “He didn’t pail.”

 

Tavros was crying, but Karkat after a minute managed to stop hyperventilating. After all, Karkat had watched someone be killed in front of him in basic training. 

 

“Come on,” he said, “let’s pick up this asshole and get the hell out of here, we can’t leave a dead highblood around.”

 

Gamzee easily picked Equius in his arms and dragged him up the ramp. Karkat grabbed the hysterical Tavros by the arm and pulled him into the shuttle. While Karkat strapped in Tavros, Gamzee shoved Equius into a locker. After yelling to Gamzee to strap himself in, Karkat sat at the pilot’s seat. He contacted flight control and tried to keep the fear out of his voice. They had no issue with flight control, so he piloted the shuttle towards their destination. 

 

When it was safe to unbuckle, he went over to Tavros and unbuckled him. He lead his moirail unto the floor and they sat next to each other, Karkat papping and shushing his moirail. Gamzee watched them.

After a half hour, Tavros finally spoke.

 

“Oh god,” he said, “Gamzee's had sex with Equius.” 


	10. Chapter 10

The escaping trio had good luck on their trip. It only took a sweep in deep freeze to get there with the excellent construction of the shuttle and an orbital boost. They landed with only moderate damage in a lush oasis on the bank of a bay. Gamzee took his ex-kismesis out of the freezer, and as was the custom of his strange cult, ripped off the head and stuck it on a stick. They had what Gamzee referred to as a “mOtHeRfUcKiN cOrPsE pArTy” which mostly consisted of Gamzee throwing glitter at the decapitated head while Tavros and Karkat stood around awkwardly. Then Gamzee threw the rest of Equius’ body into the water as was the custom of trolls not in bizarre cults.

 

Afterwards, Tavros communed with a seagull and found a cave only a mile away for them to live in. They salvaged what they could of the shuttle and slowly carried it piece by piece to their new home. They didn’t have recuperacoons but they had three pods and soon they would grow into full-sized cocoons. For now they used cocoonbags.

 

Food was no problem. Gamzee did the hunting and fishing. He had to do it without Tavros’ help, since Tavros’ personal ethical code forbade him from sending his subjects into danger. Gamzee still did great without the help. He was preternaturally talented with the bow. The shore lacked in edible vegetation, except for a few small berries, but the troll diet could easily do without. Tavros had found plenty of material, skins, bones, shells, fibers, and such, to work with. He was the resident crafttroll.

 

He was currently working on a tunic and some leggings made of skin when Karkat walked in on him. Karkat spent most of the night in the cave with Tavros. Tavros had told Karkat that he didn’t need to grubsit him, that he could take care of himself and ward off any predators, but Karkat’s personal ethical code forbade him from leaving a crippled boy by himself. Karkat had wandered off onto the beach to look at the bay for the hundredth time that night (he was so bored) but had come back to check once again on his moirail. His moirail was sitting, without his braces against a boulder in his own personal niche, inspecting his work. He looked up at Karkat and held out the tunic for him to see. The tunic was made of cleaned deerskin and laced up around the shoulders so he wouldn’t have to pull it over his horns.

 

“Look, I finished them and only in two moon segment!” he cried.

 

“I told you, it isn’t a moon segment, time works differently here. The nights are definitely longer,” Karkat replied bitterly.

 

“It would help pass the nights if you worked on something,” Tavros scolded. He then brightened. “Doesn’t it look great? It’s like Pupa Pan’s but in tan and there isn’t a collar because it would be too hard to make.”

 

“Why do you even need to make a costume for yourself? I don’t see how dressing like a fictional character is going to help.”

 

“Well, we’re going to need new clothes. We can’t wear these forever.” He pulled at his sign shirt.

 

“I’m going to wear these clothes to rags before I dress in those...”

 

But Karkat was stopped when he saw Tavros undo his shirt. He took off his pants faster than Karkat expected someone with non-moving legs could. Karkat starred at him. Though they had spent perhaps two perigees living together he had not seen his moirail naked in all that time. They had been mostly wearing the same clothes night in and night out. Tavros had been rather modest. He always changed behind a rock or in a cranny and sometimes in his cocoonbag. Without his job he could go back to his natural shyness. (Gamzee was a different story.)  But in his excitement over the new clothes he’d practically ripped off the old.

 

Karkat stared at him. He knew he shouldn’t but he just couldn’t turn away. He was just to curious to see what Tavros looked like in person. The cave was somewhat dark with only a small fire in another recess to light the place and a little smoky but Tavros could still be seen clearly. He was beautiful. Even though Tavros wasn’t doing his normal exercise routine he definitely hadn’t gone to seed. His stunted legs were creepy but deliciously pathetic and between those skinny legs lay a big fat bone bulge. God, thought Karkat, he was even big when he was totally flaccid. Tavros followed Karkat’s eyes and suddenly cover his crotch with the tunic.

 

“I..I’m sorry,” he said, “I just got, uhh, a little excited.”

 

Karkat looked away and frowned.

 

“Karkat?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Please look at me, in the eyes.”

 

Karkat did so.

 

“Gamzee said...he said...” Tavros paused. “Karkat, are you, uhh, are you attracted to me, sexually, that is?”

 

Karkat knelt down. His face got very serious.

 

“A good moirail is not supposed to be sexually attracted to their own damn moirail. It distracts them from their purpose.”

 

“You didn’t answer the question.”

 

Karkat closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

 

 “Yes, I am sexually attracted to you. And I have been since I saw you, since I saw you perform in that stupid grubfucking Pupa Pan movie.”

 

Karkat opened his eyes and gestured angrily at Tavros’ crotch.

 

“I mean seeing what you’re been smuggling all those years in those ugly highwaters of yours turned me on more than I ever thought a bone bulge could, and I’ve seen bigger pieces than yours, well, from my ‘collection’, but you’ve turned him into goddamn size empress. God, you make me want to agree with that eight-eyed bitch.

 

“And it’s not like the rest of you is ugly! Okay, your face looks like a grub’s ass and your smile is goofy and your haircut hasn’t been cool for centuries and of course your legs are horrifying but between the neck and the hips you’re perfect! A superdork like you is suppose to be either skinny or a lardass! If you were ugly I could just get a dildo and have the same experience but you make me want more!

 

“And I probably couldn’t even fit that damn thing inside of me, I’m a complete and total virgin and I have problems getting two fingers into my nook but I would try my hardest. Fuck, now I’m wondering if Gamzee ever tries to ride you like a unicycle and I don’t even want to think about you two!

 

“Because Gamzee...” Karkat stopped. “I’ve vomited enough words for now.”

 

“I, I just want to know something more: does this mean you’re flushed, for me?”

 

Karkat shock his head. “No, and I know the difference between being flushed and being pale. I’m practically a goddamn scholar in these things. I don’t revel in the pathos. Your weakness sickens me in a way that makes me want to make you better. I’ve been watching you since we’ve got here and you’ve been getting some actual pride, pride that doesn’t come from being used, and I could burst with pride myself. This has been great for me too. I think I actually like the idea of spending the rest of my life with you.”

 

Tavros smiled uneasily. “Oh, well, that’s good. I guess maybe palemates can be attracted to his other, maybe a little bit. I kinda think, you don’t look bad either. You do have a better body than Gamzee, though you’re short, but then again, I’m short too.” He started blushing. “I think, if I didn’t have a matesprit, if something, uhh, happened to Gamzee, I’d kind of like it, if I had you, still as a moirail, but with, uhh, benefits.” He pushed the tunic down. “I don’t think I could live my life, without sex. I’ve never tried it.”

 

Karkat then realized that Tavros and Gamzee had probably not made pity since coming to this planet due to the lack of privacy. And now Karkat had stirred the exhibitionism Tavros had grown accustomed to.

 

“While we’re on your still alive matesprit,” Karkat said, “We are keeping this a secret. He doesn’t need to know about this. I wasn’t joking when I said that highblood has a many issues, like every other one of his psycho caste and we should be thankful he’s still getting his sopor slime from those pods.” He looked away in remembrance. “He threatened me both times I visited you and I don’t think his threats were idle because...well, keep in mind how psycho every troll is.”

 

Tavros looked scared though Karkat sensed he still didn’t really believe him. He put on his clothes as quick as he took them off.

 

“And stop thinking about Gamzee dying,” Karkat said, “He is not going to die and you two have my permission to fuck as long as you warn me so I can stuff my fingers in my auditory canals.”

 

“I think, I might want to do that soon,” Tavros replied cheerfully, “We still haven’t, uhh, celebrated our arrival.”

 

Fuck, thought Karkat, he needed to empty his shame globes too. He’d been neglecting them for too long. He just hoped he could find someone different to think about.

 

The palemates were interrupted by the bouncing steps of what could only be Gamzee. He came in with a full cage in his hand.

 

“Hey, my motherfuckers!” he shouted, “I got some crabs!”        

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next: The multiple ending epilogue.


	11. Three Epilogues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three possible endings

**Karkat + Tavros - Gamzee =**

 

It was Tavros who found the body, or rather, the animal he’d communed with to search for the missing troll who found it. He was too upset to commune anymore so Karkat had to get the body. They thought about holding a corpse party, but Tavros couldn’t go through with it and Karkat was too disgusted. They instead unceremoniously dumped his body into the bay.

 

Karkat, despite himself, found himself crying. After a half hour, he recovered, or at least he ran out of tears. Tavros also ran out of tears but he continued, sobbing dry sobs. Karkat could have sworn he lowed a little. Tavros just sat near the entrance of the cave, not talking or eating or moving. His moirail sat next to him, put his arm around him, and waited.

 

After a night and a day and a night, Tavros turned to Karkat.

 

“Karkat,” he whispered hoarsely, “Please make me forget.”

 

Karkat replied, “Which game for girls do you want to play...”

 

He stopped when he felt Tavros grab his hand and put it on his crotch.

 

“Just...” Tavros said, “Just do what, uhh, you’ve always wanted to do to me...”

 

Karkat pulled back. “What, no! I can’t do that to you, we’re moirails!”

 

Tavros pulled his hand again. “But this is what I need right now, I need something else to think about!” He looked down. “You can just, uhh, masturbate me, I can’t do anything back right now but, but please, just do this for me.”

 

Karkat gave in. He pulled up Tavros’ tunic a little and unlaced his leggings. He took out the only bone bulge other than his own he’d ever touched. It was soft and warm and heavy and completely flaccid. It wasn’t until that point Karkat realized how very much he’d wanted to touch it.

 

Karkat started stroking it, at first slowly but then quicker. It stayed soft and Karkat wondered if he was doing something wrong when it slowly came to life. It grew larger, not by much, but with one that big it didn’t matter. Though Karkat had seen it on his husktop screen he was still surprised at how big it felt and looked in real life.

 

Tavros put his arm around Karkat’s shoulders and leaned into him. His heavy, arrhythmic breathing turned into moans. His eyes were squinted tight and he didn’t say any name. His blush was as deep as ever.

 

Karkat could tell he was doing a good job by Tavros’ reaction. He should be good at masturbating someone, he thought bitterly, with all the practice he got. He wanted to masturbate himself or even rub his hard bone bulge against Tavros’ but he resisted the urge and focused on his moirail’s pleasure.

 

Tavros clenched Karkat’s shoulder and with a cry came all over the clothes he’d worked so hard to make. After catching his breath he looked up into his moirail’s eyes.

 

“This thing we did, wasn’t a good thing.”     

 

 

**Gamzee + Tavros - Karkat =**

 

Gamzee was vague about how Karkat died, but his explanations were always vague and rambling. Tavros was used to his matesprit’s flakiness. The important thing was Gamzee was not at fault. He tried to bring Karkat home to the cave but he expired before Gamzee could make it. Gamzee said a prayer, cut off Karkat’s head, and left his body for the animals. He put the head on a stake where Equius’ used to be and another corpse party was carried out.

 

Tavros left the party early. He communed with a miniature hoofbeast-like animal and took his sled back to the cave. He sat in the cave and cried he little. He didn’t cry as much as he wanted. He didn’t feel as close to Karkat as he could have been, especially after his moirail revealed his sexual attraction. He felt more shocked than sad at his death. He knew deep down that the redblood would probably be the first to go but he expected they would have more time.

 

Gamzee finished the unnecessary ceremony and went back to the cave. He sighed lovingly at the sight of his matesprit and sat down next to him. He turned his head toward him and licked his tears away. Tavros knew this was romantic but all he could think about was the blood in the water. Gamzee picked him up and put him in his lap.

 

He cooed into Tavros’ ear, “Come on, it sucks our motherfuckin’ friend left us, but we’ve still got each other, I still got you, bro, and we’re gonna be together forever in this little paradise we got.”

 

Tavros squeezed Gamzee. “I’m glad I still have you, I don’t think I could handle having you both die.”

 

“Oh Mirthful Messiahs, I’d go crazy, total shithive maggots, if you got taken away.”

 

Gamzee kissed Tavros’ forehead and went down to his lips. They started kissing. It felt magical. Gamzee then started licking Tavros’ neck. Tavros stiffened in surprise.

 

“Gamzee?”

 

Gamzee moaned into Tavros’ neck, “I got to have more of you, I got to have you inside of me, stretching me out, taking all of me, even gettin’ that yummy chocolate sauce in my nook, I need to fuck you.”

 

“Gamzee?!” Tavros cried, “Uhh, right now? I don’t think that would be, uhh, respectful.”

 

Gamzee looked Tavros in the eyes. “We got to live now, live out our lives, make merry and all that shit, before we poof out.”

 

“I guess it would help it, if we could think of other things, for the time being.”

 

Gamzee slowly unlaced Tavros’ clothes and undressed him, put him on the floor, and used his clothes as a mat. He quickly undressed himself and laid his head between Tavros’ legs.

 

“Come on, look at me, look at me suck you off.”

 

He then sucked Tavros off while looking deeply into his eyes. When Tavros rose to his full length, Gamzee mounted him. He rocked back and forth, never breaking eye contact with Tavros. It did feel exhilarating, Tavros thought, to just have free and spontaneous sex. He didn’t even care they didn’t have a pail. He wanted to come inside Gamzee, and he did, filling him with deep brown genetic material. Gamzee lifted himself off, looked at his dripping seed flap, and the sight turned him on so much he came himself.

 

Ignoring the mess, Gamzee lay on top of his matesprit. He fondled the big bull horns.

 

“Motherfuck,” he said, “Look at these big horns. There ain’t no part of you that ain’t big bright and beautiful, is there?”

 

“Well, my legs aren’t, and I’m not very...” Tavros decided to continue.

 

“You are the best motherfuckin’ lover ever, and I’m glad as hell I don’t have to share you with some bitch.”

 

“Bitch?”

 

“Not Vriska, not Lorlei, not any of those other bitches I can’t remember, sure as fuck don’t have to share you with Karkat!”

 

“Karkat?”

 

“Yeah, just me and you, forever, just like I prayed for.”

 

Tavros said nothing. Minutes went by and the genetic material cooled. Tavros felt uneasy.

 

“Gamzee?” he asked, “I need wash myself, could you get off me?”

 

Gamzee replied, “Nope.”

 

 

**Karkat + Gamzee - Tavros =**

 

Tavros’ corpse party was on its third night. Instead of a pike Tavros’ head was on a rock, and instead of praying to the Mirthful Messiahs, Gamzee was talking non-stop to Tavros. Karkat didn’t know if this was normal for corpse parties. He hadn’t even heard of the concept before the cultist introduced him to it.

 

Karkat knew the party had to stop now. He’d tried to get Gamzee to eat but Gamzee just tried to feed the head. He’d thrown some juggling bags at Gamzee but they just bounced off him. He even tried to give the druggie some sopor slime but he just looked at the head, turned back to Karkat, and replied calmly, “Nah, Tavros says I shouldn’t.”

 

Karkat did something desperate. He took the head off the rock.

 

“You are going to stop this creepy moppy nonsense right now,” he yelled, “Get rid of the head, get rid of the body, and stop shitting in the corner!”

 

Gamzee stood up and Karkat remembered Gamzee was taller and stronger than him. He took back the head out of Karkat’s terrified arms and captchloged it.

 

“I am gonna get my mourn on,” he growled, “And you better be getting your mourn on more than me, because you got tons of guilt to mourn.” He grabbed Karkat by the shoulders. “BECAUSE YOU KILLED HIM! YOU MOTHERFUCKIN’ KILLED HIM!”

 

“What? How the fuck...it was natural causes!”

 

“You could have stopped nature,” he whispered. “YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED THE EVIL IN HIS LEGS!”

 

“I can’t stop a fucking infection, I’m not some sort of miracle medical professional!”

 

“But you was his moirail. YOU SHOULD HAVE CHECKED UP ON THAT SHIT! Taken a look at his cute-ass legs!”

 

“You banned me from his cute-ass lower body, you forgetful paranoid douchebag! You could have done it yourself, you saw him naked, hell, you probably banged him up during...”

 

Karkat immediately regretted his big protein chute when Gamzee backhanded him into the wall. Karkat sat up and lifted his head away from the rock only to have Gamzee jump on him. The berserker clown was blurred with anger and his eyes were pinpoint small. He wrapped his hands around Karkat’s neck and began to throttle him.

 

“You’re a goddamn shitty moirail, YOU KILLED HIM, YOU MOTHERFUCKIN’ KILLED HIM, I’m gonna strangle you and KILL YOU you motherfuckin’ pervert!”

 

Karkat knew he was going to die but out of some strange instinct his hands moved to stroke Gamzee’s face. Gamzee looked shocked and stopped throttling him. Karkat was still afraid but he continued to stroke Gamzee’s face. Gamzee’s hands fell off Karkat’s neck. Karkat put a finger to his mouth and started shooshing him.

 

“It’s all right, it’s all right, just another miracle, stop killing me you psycho,” he whispered.

 

“Guess it is a miracle,” Gamzee mumbled, “Just another miracle, part of that big part of life.”

 

He started crying a rather deep indigo. Karkat took his hand away.

 

“It’s all right, just a little salt and water and blood coming out,” Gamzee said, “Coming out of you too.”

 

Karkat realized he was crying too. Gamzee opened his arms and gave Karkat a big musclebeast hug.

 

“Sorry for tryin’ to kill you, bro,” he said, “Won’t do that again.”

 

“Just get rid of all that dead corpsematter and shit and I’ll consider it even.”

 

“Eeyup, stinkin’ up the cave anyway.”

 

As Karkat hugged Gamzee, he realized how comfortable he felt, and wondered if perhaps Gamzee was actually the one who was supposed to be his moirail. Perhaps all this crazy rigmarole was leading to this romantic moment.

 

“Gamzee,” he said, “I know it’s too fucking soon, but...”     


End file.
